Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Oscar, Part I

We’re still not quite sure what the point of Chris Connelly’s teaser monologues were before each commercial after 10pm. Here’s a guy who’s always been an average pop reporter who was trying to convince the viewer to come on back after these messages because of all the surprises that were bound to happen. The only real surprise? Chris Connelly wouldn’t shut up. ABC was putting on a good show – we didn’t need Kurt Loder’s perpetual understudy to tell us that.

Instead, of Chris Connelly, we’d like to let Chris Condon walk you through the night of 24 awards, like we do every year on YAB. Why? For starters, he has better hair. Here are the 12 major category results, with percentages reflecting the OPIII electorate, and the winner in bold. Like last year, I’ll cover this one, and maybe guest critic Stephen Colbert will take over.

Best Picture
Babel – 35%
The Departed – 53%
Letters from Iwo Jima - 6%
Little Miss Sunshine – 6%
The Queen - 0%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should’ve Won: The Departed
Analysis: This was the only movie from this year I gave 5 out of 5 on Smith’s site The Film Critic. An excellent gangster thriller with an unbelievable cast, it improved upon similar Mystic River by keeping up a torrid pace, yet never leaving the audience behind. With the exception of the CGI rat in the final scene, I have not a single complaint about this movie. You got it right, Academy.

Best Director
Clint Eastwood – 6%
Stephen Frears – 0%
Paul Greengrass – 6%
Alejandro Inarritu – 12%
Martin Scorsese - 76%

Who I Picked: Martin Scorsese
Who Should’ve Won: Paul Greengrass
Analysis: I’m not a big fan of two things – awarding Best Director to someone not named Condon, and giving an Oscar for someone’s larger career/body of work. Fortunately, Scorsese deserved this for crafting together such a clever adaptation of Infernal Affairs. If he hadn’t won, I would have been happy with ANY of these guys winning. But all in all, the ability of Paul Greengrass to dictate and direct the events of United 93 with a bunch of amateur actors was truly amazing. Also, he held the camera steady for once (ahem, Bourne Supremacy.)

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio - 6%
Ryan Gosling - 0%
Peter O'Toole -6%
Will Smith - 18%
Forest Whitaker - 71%

Who I Picked: Forest Whitaker
Who Should’ve Won: Forest Whitaker
Analysis: In his role in Last King of Scotland, Whitaker had to turn on a dime so many times between lovable buddy and insane Ugandan dictator, he was really playing two roles (this is how it should be done, Norbit). I've seen all of these performances save O'Toole, which I believe is Irish for "Of the Toole." Don't worry, by the end of their careers, both Smith and Leo will win someday. Oh, and since I haven't mentioned the fifth, um, McAdams loves Gosling.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz - 6%
Judi Dench - 0%
Helen Mirren - 88%
Meryl Streep - 6%
Kate Winslet - 0%

Who I Picked: Helen Mirren
Who Should’ve Won: Helen Mirren
Analysis: There's not much more that can be said about Mirren's Tour de Force performance in The Queen. So instead, a small anecdote - My sophomore year in the apartment, we were playing Cranium and I had to do one of those stupid green cards that require you to get up and act like an idiot. I drew Princess Diana. Now it was one of those cards where I was allowed to talk, and a high-pitched "I'm the Queen!" was all that it took to get my crackpot team to guess my identity. Well that, and the poorest taste joke I have ever made. So, rather than thank the Academy, I'm using this blogspace to now formally apologize to Princess Diana. Sorry, D.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin - 12%
Jackie Earle Haley - 0%
Djimon Hounsou - 6%
Eddie Murphy - 35%
Mark Wahlberg - 47%

Who I Picked: Eddie Murphy
Who Should’ve Won: Eddie Murphy
Analysis: This is where the politics of Hollywood sucks. Murphy's frontrunner status came crashing down because 1) he was too safe in the lead, 2) Norbit shows a lack of, well, everything but fat suits, 3) Arkin was a Lifetime award waiting to happen, and 4) Dreamgirls is still chicken parm. Murphy was GREAT in his role, and Arkin was just good. (It should also be noted that I may have even enjoyed Hounsou and Wahlberg more than Arkin as well.)

Best Supporting Actress
Adrianna Barazza - 6%
Cate Blanchett - 0%
Abigail Breslin - 24%
Jennifer Hudson - 65%
Rinku Kikuchi - 6%

Who I Picked: Jennifer Hudson
Who Should’ve Won: No Idea Whatsoever
Analysis: Of these performances, I only saw Breslin and Hudson, and yeah, I'll give Hudson the edge over Little Miss Sunshine. But while Eddie Murphy fell, Hudson remained a stone-cold lock - and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was weak competition (I have a feeling Blanchett could hav taken this if anyone had seen Notes on a Scandal), but Hudson wasn't awesome - she was good, like Arkin. She looked semi-ridiculous in her send-off song to Foxx in the middle, and while she rebounded nicely, it was an easier role. Chances of Jennifer Hudson ever winning again? Elevnty Billion to One.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Borat - 24%
Children of Men - 24%
The Departed - 47%
Little Children - 0%
Notes on a Scandal - 6%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should’ve Won: The Departed
Analysis: It's a pretty good rule that the Best Picture winner also takes home its respective screenplay award - why? Because the screenplay is the MOST important part of a movie. You can have outstanding actors, acclaimed directors, unbelievable staging and effect, and an ungodly cool score - but if the story sucks, then you're going nowhere. (Ahem, The Interpreter, I believe we are looking in your general direction.)

Best Original Screenplay
Babel - 29%
Letters from Iwo Jima - 6%
Little Miss Sunshine - 53%
Pan's Labyrinth - 0%
The Queen - 12%

Who I Picked: Little Miss Sunshine
Who Should've Won: Any of them
Generally speaking, the Adapted category is traditionally the better of the two categories because those are movies based on the best of the best of the other literature mediums. Whether those scripts come from previously-awesome plays, novels, tv screenplays, or memoirs - they've already been proven to be great. Writing an original screenplay is much harder - you have no previous greatness on which to rely - and yet, all five of these scripts were truly great movies.

Best Cinematography
Black Dahlia - 6%
Children of Men - 35%
The Illusionist - 12%
Pan's Labyrinth - 35%
The Prestige - 12%

Who I Picked: Children of Men
Who Should've Won: Children of Men
Analysis: They showed a clip of C of M during the screenplay presentation, and I was riveted. I can't wait to see this movie, and the way it was shot is a big reason for this. I tried to get Katie to see it a few days before we had Clara, but she wasn't too keen on seeing a flick that involved a pregnant woman running for her life and dodging bullets. Go figure.

Best Original Score
Babel - 35%
The Good German - 6%
Notes on a Scandal - 6%
Pan's Labyrinth - 35%
The Queen - 18%

Who I Picked: Pan's Labyrinth
Who Should've Won: Babel
Analysis: Yeah, I got this one wrong. Big deal. But if I don't hear that Pirates of the Caribbean is not only nominated but victorious next year, I'm writing off this award for good. The themes from that trilogy are easily the most memorable Original Score since American Beauty. Savvy?

Best Film Editing
Babel - 35%
Blood Diamond - 6%
Children of Men - 18%
The Departed - 29%
United 93 - 12%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should've Won: Blood Diamond
Analysis - So Marty Scorsese has a little Algerian woman do all his editing for him, huh? Looking at Thelma Schoonmaker's IMDB resume, every movie she's done was a Scorsese picture. Looks like she edits one film every 1.5-2 years. God, how can I get work schedule like that?

Best Animated Feature
Cars - 59%
Happy Feet - 29%
Monster House - 12%

Who I Picked: Cars
Who Should've Won: Cars
Analysis: Did the Academy turn off Happy Feet with 15 minutes to go? Had they not, they would have seen that all humans are evil, everything that they do is bad, and that UN resolutions are only drawn up expeditiously when a cute furry penguin demands it so. Cars isn't the best Pixar out there, but it's sure as hell the best in thie category.

Wow, that took a lot out of me. Part Two later on, with guest critic Stephen Colbert.