Toughest. Mormon. Ever.

Rulon Gardner would like to challenge God to a duel.

This world does not have the firepower to derail Rulon Gardner. Jack Bauer, Vin Diesel, and Chuck Norris could attack him one-by-one (Foot Clan style), and they would have as much success as The Astronaut Farmer at the box office. Rulon Gardner can’t be dismissed by the other great warriors of our world. For Rulon Gardner, a man who commands so much respect a blogger cannot type his first name without immediately following with his last, has found a way to not only cheat death, but steal death’s wallet and run up a $250 tab at Denny’s.

Rulon Gardner is tired of fate.

Over the weekend, Rulon Gardner was flying on a plane over Good Hope Bay near the Utah-Arizona border. (More likely, the plane was flying on Rulon Gardner – he’s that beastly.) On the Not-to-So Scale of Airplace Velocity, his craft plummented from So-to-Not in matter of seconds. Before Rulon Gardner could even put on his super cape and utility belt, he was submerged in icy, 44-degree water. For an hour. Yes, it was a full hour before he and his two friends were rescued from the frigid submersion of their plane, but Rulon Gardner doesn’t care about elapsed time. He spent the hour doing laps for a cardio workout and killing innocent fish with his swiftly-kicking feet.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In 2004, Rulon Gardner was riding a motorcycle when he was struck by a speeding vehicle. (This is the complete opposite of Ben Roethlisberger, who Rulon Gardner torments on a daily basis for wussing out and letting the car win. In fact, Rulon Gardner went to Big Ben’s house over the holidays, pulled his Christmas cards out of the mailbox, and ate them in front of Ben’s elderly mother for no reason whatsoever.) He flipped over his handlebars upon impact, and walked away with a few abrasions and a bruised heel. But Rulon Gardner doesn’t care about heels. Heels are for people who are afraid of the consequences. Rulon Gardner lives life on his toes.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In 2002, Rulon Gardner was stranded in the wilderness of Wyoming when his snowmobile died and he ended up losing a toe due to frostbite. One would assume that since Rulon Gardner lives life on his toes, this would be a major problem. But he could care less. Who needs ten toes, anyway? Most of them are non-participatory freeloaders. Oh, and to make the country of Japan pay for his crappy Yamaha snowmobile, he picked this guy for revenge.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In the 2000 Summer Olympics, Rulon Gardner fought Alexander Karelin for a gold medal. Karelin hadn’t lost a match in 13 years. Rulon Gardner decided that was ridiculous. Fate asked Karelin to destroy Rulon Gardner. Alexander Karelin now hangs his head in shame.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In the third grade, he brought a bow and arrow in for Show and Tell. The kid who sits in front of him brought a bar of soap he whittled into, well, a smaller and more uneven bar of soap. Rulon Gardner found that it was so painful to listen to Soap Kid, he decided to distract himself from the agony by shooting himself in the abdomen with an arrow. Good God! Do you know what a compound bow can do to the mid-section of a nine year-old? It’s a good thing Rulon Gardner was no normal nine-year old.

Rumor has it that upon this flesh wound, Rulon Gardner looked to the sky and yelled, "Oh, Smite me, mighty Smiter!" (We're waiting on confirmation from Soap Kid, so that last part may be the only part of this post that's false. Unbelievable.)