Deduct the Lucky Egg

Just because I backdate the blog doesn't entitle me to an extension.

It's Tax Time in the United States, which means Condon's got one more thing to do today. Nevermind the mid-term tomorrow (for which he buckled like a belt and purchased the book). Don't worry about the financial close deadline that will expire this afternoon. And we have a going away lunch at 11 at the Cheesecake Factory? (That's good manufacturing.) When, oh when, will I have time to do my taxes?!? Hold on, phone...

Chris: Hello?
IRS: It's the IRS. We've been reading your blog. Wanted to let you know you've had since the beginning of 2005 to file your federal tax return. Oh, and we also think that "Atternie General" was comic gold. Goodbye.
Chris: How do they do that?

Ok, so according to the Internal Revenue Service, I'm Slacker McWastingtime. Well, I could complain for 24 hours here on the blog, not file, and fold my arms in protest. But I know better. I have representation, so I supposed I'm obligated to that whole taxation part. Fine fine, let's pull out the No. 2 pencil, some receipts, an old paystub, and a W-2 and get crackin'!

Wait. I don't have time for this madness. I'm going to have to call my accounting firm to get me out of this time management crunch. After all, that's why you have accounting firms, right? Imaginary secretary person, get me the office of Brenner, Bevil, Bannock, and Coffie.

Feel the Rhythm...and perhaps the rhyme...

That's right, I hired the 1988 Jamaican bobsled team to do my taxes. Well, at least the fictional Disney representation of said team. It's been a long time since we've heard from Derice, Sanka, Yul, and Junior, and it's not just because bobsledding is only relevant once every four years. They've moved on from their Olympic exploits to manage a sensible financial operation, with reggae and calypso influences. I'll just let them take it from here. I'm too busy to sit here and blog all morning.

Junior: Good morning fellas. How are we doing today? It's a good day for tax returns.
Sanka: I'm feeling very Olympic today.
Derice: That's good, my brother, but there's work to be done. I'd like to thank Junior for bringing in some donuts for us, mon.
Yul: This doesn't mean that I like you.
Junior: Yes, sir.
Derice: Ok, mon. Let's do this. I know we haven't filed a United States tax return in a while, since most of our clients come from Jamaica. Sanka, do you have the instructions over there?
Sanka: "The key elements to a successful tax return are a good accountant, and three strong runners to push the sled down the ice." ICE?
Yul: Wrong instructions, mon. You are wasting our time. Again.
Sanka: No, mon. If I were wasting your time, I would sing a little song like this - "Hey people, y'all know we don't believe. Jamaica has a tax return team" -
Yul: Shut up, slinkyhead.
Derice: Look, fellas. I am the driver of this tax sled. So I'll lead us through the Forms. But first, we need the form 1040A. Junior Bevil, get it out of the file.
Junior: I don't see it.
Yul: What do you see, Junior?
Junior: I see...pride.
Yul: What else?
Junior: I see...power.
Yul: And...
Junior: I see a bad-ass mother who just found the file with the 1040As!
Derice: Sanka, if it isn't too much trouble, would you do us a favor and turn down that music, we've got work to do!
Sanka: Look, Star, let me tell you something about yourself. Whenever you need me for something, you don't have to hand me a bunch of lines. All you have to do is say, "Sanka, you are my best friend, we've been through a whole heap together, and I really, really need you."
Derice: Good, mon. Well, there's a lot of numbers here, and not much time left. So I say, as the driver, err..., leader, let's all grab a pencil and calculator and start on this return. Those East German accountants over there, they laugh at us. They think we have no business doing Mr. Condon's return. So I think if we are to get this done, we've got to do it just like them. Like the Swiss.
Junior: But Derice-
Sanka: All I'm saying, mon, is if we walk Jamaican, talk Jamaican, and is Jamaican, then we sure as hell better file tax returns Jamaican.
Yul: He's right, the push cart driver is right, mon.
Derice: Alright, mon! But before we hand this back to Mr. Condon, we need to name our work. Something with style.
Sanka: How about "You're a Tax Return."
Derice: No, mon. We will call this Cool Filings. It means Peace Be the Refund.
All: Cool Filings!

Take that Webster, Webster, and Cohen.