Workin' on the Cheney Gang

I’m glad I don’t have a job which requires me to bring the funny in exchange for compensation. There are just some days where comedy isn’t easily put into the written word. I feel like it’s often Fridays. Trying to bang out one more post before I take a hiatus for the weekend sometimes is as hard as pulling information from a hot-air balloon crash survivor. Sometimes comedy requires scouring the newswire for something comical. And then sometimes –

Dick Cheney shoots a guy.

I’ve spent the last week trying to get my brain around the ramifications, both comedic and political, of the Vice President of the United States being the guy on the other end a double barrel shotgun that wounds and hospitalizes a fellow American. Since I’m late to the game here, I’m sure Letterman, Stewart, and the rest of the pros have made all the jokes already. But just because somebody’s late to the party doesn’t mean that they don’t get a piece of the copious snacks and beverages. Well my name is Chris Condon, and I’m here for some Fritos.

Let’s just think about this for a second. Dick Cheney shot a guy, a lawyer friend of his, in Texas last week. Granted, this can happen to anybody – I’m sure hunting accidents are quite frequent in this day and age, but we’ve got the Number 2 in charge of the US of A trained with a firearm so astutely that if the President is ever attacked, we no longer need Secret Service guards. Just the VP with a concealed weapon.

This, of course, assuming that whoever attacks the President has brought along some quail in close proximity. Um, for moral support. Yeah.

The President is Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. It’s part of the executive powers bestowed upon him in the Constitution. The Vice President has no part in the military. The greatest things he gets to do is:

1) Succeed the President in times of removal
2) Break ties in the Senate
3) Shoot guys in Texas

Ok, the third one is a bit of a newer power, but I think it’s time we had a new Texas Ranger. Walker has totally lost his credibility hawking home gym apparatuses during early morning infomercials. The law needs to be laid down, and Chuck Norris is slipping in his old age.

So what happens to Mr. Cheney now? Could he brought up on involuntary manslaughter charges should the lawyer not survive his stay at the hospital? Sure he can, but I’m not sure if he gets convicted. Vice Presidents have a history of avoiding trial proceedings, dating back to when Aaron Burr was called up on murdering Alexander Hamilton, and employing the “I’m not hearing you, I’m not hearing you” defense when served with a summons to court.

Of course, that was 200 years ago. But even if Cheney is convicted and jailed, wouldn’t that be grounds for the fastest Presidential pardon in history? It would be the equivalent of Cheney rolling double 4’s, just missing Marvin Gardens and instead going straight to jail, only to throw a 5 and 5 TEN to get out of jail and, while he’s at it, land on free parking. He wouldn’t even have time to be fitted for a ball and/or chain.

He’d just have to make sure he doesn’t throw another double 5's right after that.