Centimentality

Ok, I guess we should get back to work, eh? That’ll cost you.

But how much it will cost is still to be determined. YAB has prided itself on being a not-for-profit daily divertainment website. While other news rivals of ours, such as CNN and FoxNews, offer higher-quality, “insideresque” information for a nice and neat monthly subscription, we choose to give the public what they want.

Swag. Free non-tangible, literary swag.

However, if we did charge you (which we would never imagine of doing – ain’t no way I’m claiming YAB as a income tax source), we wouldn’t try and make the amount due any sort of nice rounded number. Why? Easy.

To spite Rep. Jim Kolbe.

Not since “6 Dimes” have we tackled currency reform with such a spirited vengeance (we blame the caffeine, naturally.) You see, Congressman James Kolbe, from Arizona’s 8th District, has had a long and storied lawmaking career, having won 12 consecutive terms. However Kolbe, now 64, has decided to call it a career, opting not to run for re-election come November. Granted, there’s not a whole lot to go back to in the 8th District, nor many challengers to take his place, but YABNews Polling HQ has informed us that in such a hotbed, a rattlesnake or coyote or cactus or something will step up in the name of civic duty.

However, this blog is not about what Kolbe is up to, but rather what he’s currently adopted as his swansong on the debate floor of Congress. After a failed attempt in 2002, Kolbe is back to tackle America’s worst enemy. No, not terrorism, inflation, or accidentally turned-on microphones –

The penny.

Well, first off, that’s a tricky subject. The United States Mint, (which tastes terrible, surprisingly,) has never in their history referred to the small copper coin at the bottom of the currency totem pole as a penny. Rather, it is officially called a “cent.” I blame the schools for perpetuating this lie. (Although it should be noted that “That’ll cost a pretty cent,” “Take a Cent, Leave a Cent,” and “Cent Lane” just don’t have the same ring.) Regardless of what 1/100th of a dollar is called, Jim Kolbe doesn’t care. He just wants it gone.

His current bill seeks to eliminate the penny from our daily currency, by removing it from all cash transactions. Any transaction payable in cash would now have to end in 5 or 0, in order to more heavily rely on the dime, nickel, quarter, or dollar. Non-cash transactions can cost whatever the store wants, since by credit card you are simply transferring numbers around in Bankland, and no actual coin or paper changes hand. He cites the rocketing cost of zinc as just cause to remove this expense from the Federal Budget.

But the penny is a mainstay of our American heritage, is it not? How many times have you tried to buy a shopping cart of goods, most likely apple pie, baseball cards, fireworks, maybe a flag or two, when you’ve gotten to the cashier (named Khruschev) and found out you’re a penny short? Now do you do the un-American thing and return one of your purchases? NO!! You look around the floor, your pockets, everywhere, to find that last penny! They’re everywhere, and when you need one you can find one.

If Jim Kolbe has his way, you’ll no longer be 1 cent short, you’ll be 5 cents short. And while locating 5 emergency pennies is damn near impossible, it’s even worse to consider that you may have to find a nickel. No one drops a nickel. Which means you’re screwed. Thanks a lot, Jim Kolbe. You’re ruining America.

(Note: if it’s zinc we’re low on, I hear oysters are an excellent source.)