Sharp Pointy Teeth

As is often the case on a Friday afternoon, here’s a post about something on my desk. And no, it’s not my head. (We already covered that, remember?)

(Note: it’s now Monday. I know that. Since when have I been calendarically accurate?)

When a new employee starts at my company, we have some specific things for them to do, pretty much to kill time until we have time to actually need to getting around to training them. They have eleventy billion usernames and passwords to set up, do the tour du office to put names with faces. Unfortunately, that’s only about 40 minutes of work, and there’s still more than 7 hours of time to fill. Rather than send them home with free money and rethinking their job acceptance, we do what is the ultimate time-killer.

The office supply catalog.

Yes, deep within the pages of said catalog a new employee is responsible for outfitting themselves with the tools and utensils they’ll need in order to, in the words of the contemporary Buddhist scholar, Bachman Turner Overdrive, “take care of business.” (Yes, every day.) Now for many supply regulars, there’s a wide array of what you can order. And just remember, the color Post-It notes and the type of white-out you purchase will be noticed, and co-workers will base their entire opinion of you on these purchases. (this can be amended if you newbie ever opens your mouth. Really, we won’t bite.)

With a lot of things you have the freedom to choose what will make you most productive. Simple choices (blue pen or black pen) can be made without little thinking. More difficult, ethical ones (will they notice if I order the chrome-handled scissors?) could take all day. But in order to save time, most offices have some office supply stock in reserve to get you rockin’ right away, not to mention cut down on the tough decisions you have to make on your first day at a new job.

Take the staple remover. Please.

Why are we insistent that all new employees have a staple remover on their desks? After all, it’s not like in their first day they’ve found an incredible amount of documents that need unbinding? But other than paper clips and rubber bands, staple removers run a close third in omnipresence in the office workplace. So what, right? Just another thing to take up space? Nay, my friends.

A staple remover is the fiercest-looking office supply EVER.

I mean, just look at the thing. If you saw a staple remover for the first time, there’s no way you think to yourself, “Man, that’s got to be used to remove staples!” No, you think instead, “Damn, I could take someone’s cigar tip/finger/ear off with that thing.” It’s got sharp, pointy teeth and hails from China. (Go ahead, look at yours. It’s probably from China.) It’s also worth noting that a staple remover is damn near indestructible. Good to know that China will be my go-to country for staple removers and walls. Expert craftsmanship.

I guess it could be worse. You could have this on your desk.