Off-the-Chain Quotient

You’ve probably never been chained to your desk. There’s a few reasons for this. First, it would prove very difficult to attend meetings, go out for lunch, or make copies if you were unable to physically detach. Second, using chains to affix your staff members to furniture is MEAN. MEAN, I say! Don’t make me come up there swinging the 8th Amendment at you…

Of course, since the majority of YAB’s readership 1) are kind, courteous people and 2) have no staff to considering said fastening, we know that we are preaching to the choir. Also, you’ve all got a sense of humor, and where’s the comedy in using a chain? There are far funnier methods to handcuff one to their surroundings, and most of them involve space-age elastic.

But you must remember, office workers in the 21st century, well, work in a 21st century office. We are in a wireless age now, people. Internet connections wherever you want! Checking voice mail – on the go! Copiers and printers, dancing in rhythm and tandem, filling the hallways –

Ok. We admit, that was an exaggeration. That office only occurs in Beauty and the Beast.

Is it possible for the phrase “chained to one’s desk” to become wireless? After all, the negation of any connecting apparatus between Person A and Point B would obliterate the need for a chain in the cliché, wouldn’t it? Technically, you’re right. But in the 21st century, we have ways to allow for virtual desk-chaining.

The Conference Call.

Sure, you could dial into a conference call on your cell, thereby freeing yourself to cavort around the office. But my guess is that you don’t have a business-paid cell phone, and I doubt the conference call is in your network. Also, no one likes a cavorter. Yes, the conference call lets you wander slightly farther than a chain would allow, as the measurement is no longer “number of links” but instead a lesser-known ruler, “ear shot.” From a listening standpoint, as long as you can still hear the speakerphone droning on back at your desk, you’re still “on the call.” But God forbid you actually have to contribute. When a question is posed your way and you are halfway across the office, your response will start off quiet (despite the fact that you are yelling) and will get progressively louder like an fire truck on the highway (and yes, you failed to factor in volume reduction as you got closer to the phone.)

So you’re still yelling.

On conference calls, and especially tele-training sessions, 87% of the participating group would much rather be doing other things that paying attention. In fact 84% of those people are doing other things. Yes, the power of the mute button prevents all from hearing you banging your head on your desk or typing this blog post. Yeah, you could go big and take care of something out of your chair, but that’s when risk starts to set in.

That’s why we have math. To calculate said risk. In the first mathematical YABquation since the Backtrack Scale. The Off-the-Chain Quotient reveals the number of steps away from your desk you may take on a conference call, based on the number of people on the call. It reads as follows:

2(S/2^p), where S is the number of steps you’re considering, and p is the number of people on the call.

If the solution to the equation is less than 1, GO FOR IT! The amount of time you have to talk decreases exponentially as the people increase, due to a greater likelihood of 1)rambling and 2)tangernts. (By the way, it’s 2S because you probably didn’t think to count the steps it would take you to return to your desk – damn we think of everything.)

EXAMPLE: I’m on a call right now, but I need to go get something off the printer. The printer is 7 steps away. Including myself, there’s 4 people on the call. Let’s crunch the math AND – the answer is .875. That’s less than 1.

Looks like I’m printer-bound.