Drinking from the World Cup

This morning, the governing body of all things soccer (football), FIFA, announced their latest rankings of all the national teams in the world. It is no doubt a heady task to try and list from best-to-worst the ability and level of talent each squad that plays for their national colors. How does one come up with a system? No doubt they’ve learned that letting human voters has a tendency to ruin, uh, objectivity. And since robots don’t like soccer, they leave it up to complex mathematical formulas. Remember, soccer is fun, so you don’t have to worry about understanding said complex mathematical formulas.

But there have been some cracks.

Prior to the World Cup, it appeared that math, always a pain in man’s side, had failed us again. Sure, the numbers worked, but the results seemed a tad skewed. For example, the American team was ranked 5th. Yes, of the 204 national teams in the world, the rankings said only 4 could beat us. And those 4 did NOT include Italy, France, England, or Germany. Clearly, math needed some revision.

With the new rankings, the U.S. has slid to a more accurate 16th. More emphasis has been placed on World Cup performance (Italy skyrockets to #2) and less emphasis has been placed on beating the crap out of wusspants Aruba. (No offense our Aruban readership, we hear you have lovely…uh...beaches?) However, with any new ranking comes new debate. You’re probably thinking I’m going to blog about whether or not Brazil should remain number 1 in the world, while Italy, who holds the Jules Rimet trophy, plays second fiddle, right? Nope! There’s a bigger question at hand.

What national teams can Condon play for?

While most attention in the FIFA ranking is given to the top of the list, I often scroll way the hell down to see who’s keeping it real in the soccer basement. There are 205 teams on this list, and surely, many of them do not have the homegrown talent to make the World Cup or be in the Top 32. There are tiny republics all over the world, that in order to look cool to their UN brethren, that actually have national teams, perhaps of the best soccer players on their island / archiepelago / micro-territory. Sure, they get obliterated 11-0 in every World Cup qualifier they’ve ever played, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is…can Chris Condon play for them?

It’s not like I’m a soccer neophyte. I grew up playing soccer. I played three years in high school. I dominated the Sunday morning soccer league. When I got to college, I anchored a defense that rarely gave up shots (our keeper was too busy talking smack to be bothered with shots). Hell, in indoor, I scored three goals in our lone championship final. Long story short: I don’t suck.

But I am older than I was then, and I don’t have a ball on my foot as often. Regardless, do I have the skills to play for the worst FIFA has to offer? Let’s take a look shall, we?

FIFA Rankings July 2006 (from bottom to top)
204. Montserrat: According to CIA World Factbook, this tiny island SE of Puerto Rico is 3/5 the size of Washington, DC. That’s a good frame of reference. Am I one of the best 18 soccer players in 3/5 of DC? Eh, maybe. But consider this: since 1995, 2/3 of Montserrat was devastated by volcanoes. Among more pressing needs (finding new shelter), do you think they’ve had time to play much soccer? Hell, no. I CAN PLAY FOR MONTSERRAT.

203. American Samoa: Every Samoan I’ve ever seen is a fat guy. And if anything the only American Samoan athletes to make it to the mainland are NFL players (Junior Seau, Kimo von Oelhoffen). And as the world can tell you, American football is not International Football. I CAN PLAY FOR AMERICAN SAMOA.

202. Guam: Another American territory, Guam has long-been a source of comedy for YAB. In 7th grade, Justin Morea and I wrote a letter to Robert Underwood, the U.S. Ambassador to Guam, asking for more information on his Guam. Anyways, while their women’s team in 75th in the world, the men suck. I went to their website, and it’s not even fully-developed. The same can be said for their set pieces. I CAN PLAY FOR GUAM.

201. Aruba: I’d like to say yes here as well, as they no doubt need defensive help (their last match was an 8-1 whipping from… Suriname?) But I may have offended them with that wusspants crack. I’d probably get cut in training camp out of principle.