The Post-Season Conference

When a season comes to a close, it is customary for those involved with the season to give a post season press conference. It allows them to commemorate the season and have their thoughts concerning it printed and reported. Most end-of-season press conferences involve a well-dressed person sitting at a table in front of a slew of microphones, with a repeating corporate sponsorship logo pasted all over the cheap backdrop. On this occasion, I’d like to nominate Sun Chips for that sponsorship, ‘cause man, do they ever sound good right now

(drives to Subway) (returns from Subway)

Granted, these postseason press conferences are not without their share of coach speak, so I’ll do my best to keep that to a minimum. Without further ado, I will begin taking questions as we take a look back at the 2007 Wedding Season. What? You thought this was another baseball column?

Opening Statement: Thank you all for coming. My friends and I have recently completed another exciting season of matrimony. I believe I speak on their behalf when I say we could not be happier with our effort. While the scheduling gods in the front office may have dealt us a tough hand, I feel we really pulled it together in the end and gave 100%. All three couples are now happily married, and we look forward to next season, when they join the “savvy veterans” contingent. Ok, now I’ll take some questions.

“Why didn’t you wear a tuxedo this past weekend?”

Excellent question. Nordberg and I had made a pact to wear tuxedoes to all weddings, as long as the weddings went flawlessly. However, at the end of the Mellor-Viehweg affair, I tripped in the hallway returning to the hotel room. Certainly, the streak was broken. Plus, we had heat from the league to wear our alternate uniforms, suits, in order to help league merchandising.

“Where were you pleasantly surprised this year?”

Great question. We are currently going through a time where our generation is required to make their matrimonial mark. With said mark comes establishing 3-5 wedding reception music classics that will be played at weddings decades from now. Since we’ve graduated, I feel that the only songs to make the leap have been Usher’s “Yeah,” Outkast’s “Hey Ya,” and Justin Timberlake’s “Sexyback.” It’s far from official, but judging from the last two receptions, a strong case for Song Rookie of the Year can be made for Big and Rich’s “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.”

“What can you do to improve for next season?”

If I give a groomsman’s toast, I can, I don’t know, bring a glass with which to actually toast the couple. Raising a microphone and then drinking from said microphone just isn’t the same.

“What are your off-season plans?”

I’d like to get to know the playbook a little better. Maybe memorize popular wedding readings, in case a teammate gets stage fright. I could jump write in. I could be Guest of the Week for that kind of heroism. But even then, I’m just one player on a guest list. We win at weddings as a team. Thank you, Powerthirst.

“How will you remember this wedding season?”

I’ll use wedding photography. Because the photographer at the Motsinger-Reif affair stayed stationary for their first dance, I will be in the background of EVERY SINGLE PICTURE. Man, I wish I had spun a Frisbee. Speaking of which, the Kunkel-Liggett media did get a shot of me spinning my dinner plate – that should make for a nice memory. And as for the Mellor-Viehweg Week 2 showdown, I’m sure there’s photographic proof of me doing some bridelifting.

“How was the cake?”

At which wedding?

“All of them.”

Wouldn’t know – a science dork from Raleigh kept eating them before I could pick up a fork.