Throw Monahan from the Train

Flipping channels on the way to work today, I caught the chorus of a new pop tune called “Her Eyes.” Man, was it catchy:

Her eyes, that's where hope lies.
That's where blue skies
Meet the sunrise.
Her eyes, that's where I go
When I go home.

As the song launched into what was likely its second verse, I was enjoying myself. But then some things regarding the tune seemed…off. For one, the lyrics were starting to veer towards “completely non-sensical.” And there was that nasally crooning voice. And then it hit me.

OH HELL NO.

The artist at the helm of this single is Pat Monahan. Don’t know him? That’s okay – he’s actually the frontman of a well-known rock band, and has decided to put out a solo album. Personally, I see how it benefits him – the nightly take on tour had to be divided by, well, one. But he’s still playing with a band, albeit a less famous one you don’t care about. And you spend most of the show secretly hoping he breaks out a signature track from the famous band’s discography. Take the case of Rob Thomas. I’d go to a Matchbox Twenty concert. I would not go to a Rob Thomas concert – even though the singles produced are nearly identical in quality. It’s just one of those things. As for Pat Monahan’s band?

Train.

Last summer, we cemented Train’s Drops of Jupiter as the Song with the 2nd Worst Lyrics Ever, trailing only the idiots savant (minus the savant part) known as LFO. And since a lead singer doesn’t have to, you know, practice an actual instrument, he’s often saddled with the songwriting responsibilities for the band. This is why I specifically blame Pat Monahan for Drops of Jupiter. And now that I’ve gotten to work, I’ve researched the entire lyrical content of “Her Eyes,” and wouldn’t you know it –

Somebody wrote this song with their Futility Pen.

Billboard Magazine calls this song “a boisterous ode to Monahan’s quirky woman.” Look, I’m all for writing a song about the one you love. But if we are to believe that every lyric Monahan uses is true, well then, we do not have a quirky woman on our hands.We have a mentally insane person.

Let’s review these words, Lyrical Cynic-style. And if it helps, open this page in another window to hear the song.

She’s not afraid, she just likes to use a night light // When she gets paid, true religion gets it all, if they fit right. Translation: Look, everyone has had a bad dream, every now and then, and it can even be kind of a cute quirk. Way to go, Pat. You’ve found a winner. You know, if she DIDN’T DONATE HER ENTIRE PAYCHECK TO THE CHURCH WITH WHICH SHE IDENTIFIES. 100%? Really?

She’s a little bit manic, completely organic // doesn’t panic for the most part. Translation: She’s slightly crazy, yet a carbon-based lifeform. And for the most part, she doesn’t freak out. On the other hand, she’s completely capable of freaking out, and the mania doesn’t help her cause, but hey – at least she’s not made of plastic. Nice rhyme time, Patrick.

She’s old enough to know, and young enough not to say no to any chance that she gets for home plate tickets to see the Mets. Translation: Mr. Monahan has really taken the rhyme scheme complexities up a notch here, but at the expense of what? We have no idea what she’s old enough to know, and apparently she falls under that magical age barrier that once you pass you stupidly turn down Mets tickets. Yes, New York Mets tickets. Hell, maybe in concert Pat thinks on his feet and throws in Jets tickets. That would really blow their minds.

Like everybody, she’s in over her head // Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds. Translation: Someone hasn’t been paying their taxes, hates hippie rock, and is no pill popper. Good for her – of course, Pat could have just as arbitrarily chosen for her to hate the Reds, or maybe likes to eat bread.

She's a Gemini Capricorn // Thinks all men are addicted to porn. Translation: Geminis are born between May 21 and June 21. Capricorns are born between December 22 and January 19. Pat Monahan likes how these words sounds together, despite the fact that world will implode before a person can be both. That’s ok – he’s probably part of the 50% addicted to pornography. Yep, that explains it.

I don't agree with her half the time // But, damn I'm glad she's mine. Translation. She thinks this song sucks. He disagrees.

And while this songs continues to spiral downwards in the second verse, this chorus is so damn catchy. Feel free to mock Round 2 in the comments.