Too Cool for Pool

You grow up around enough swimming pools, you realize there is only a limited number of activities you can do in its vicinity. I suppose just about any sport is a possibility, and some sports (like basketball and volleyball) have gone so far to create pool-ready equipment in case you’re interested in such a contest. But you know why most sports haven’t caught on in a swimming pool?

Sports require running, and you suck at running in the pool.

Seriously, even if you hit a whiffle ball to the back left corner of the deep end, rounding the bases will take a good 12 minutes. And football’s no good either – how exactly do you determine when somebody’s down? And as we learned from the NFL’s foray into London this past weekend – most football players tend to be terrible when water is introduced into the equation. Instead, kids everywhere have come up with a number of games that would, conversely, not be that fun if played on land. That’s what makes them excellent pool games. Sharks and Minnows, Marco Polo, Chicken Fight – and not to forget the ever-popular “Laps” – have become pool mainstays, and I have little doubt that these activities will be on top of the list of things to do next summer.

You know, as long as there aren’t any buzzkill zoo animals in your watering hole.

The fires that have ravaged California over the past week have done very little to benefit anybody. A million people were forced to leave their home, hundreds of homes were burned to the ground, and it will be some time before the Golden State can move on from this tragedy. With such a major event dominating the news for the better part of this fortnight, not a whole lot has surfaced from which we can find humor. In fact, the only good San Diego fire joke came courtesy of KSK – and if it’s KSK, you know irreverence is on the menu. So while I did not want to completely ignore the situation in SoCal, I’m glad I’ve been able to say my piece. Now I can move to comedic pastures – highlighting the one Fire-related event that’s worthy laughing about.

THERE’S A HIPPO IN YOUR POOL.

If you read the second article in Jay Glazer’s NFL beat column from two days ago, you’ll see that San Diego Chargers special teams coach had to prepare for more than just the Houston Texans this week. His wife called to let him know that sure enough, a hippo from the nearby San Diego Wild Animal Park had escaped amidst the chaos and found a new place to dwell in the coach’s pool.

It is unlikely he used the diving board.

The National Zoo here in Washington D.C. has hippos in residence which I have seen on more than one occasion. I have to say, these mighty beasts aren’t exactly movers and shakers – their sedentary lifestyle suits them fine. In fact, going to see the hippos at the zoo is the equivalent of going to the movies to stare at the exit signs. But this hippo in particular is now in the swimming pool of a football coach, and unless he plans to leave and ravage the Hopkirks’ garden next store, Coach Crosby probably isn’t going to be pleased for an extended period of time.

So let’s play some games with the hippo.

As I mentioned above, there are only really three games that are awesome in the pool: Sharks and Minnows, Marco Polo, and Chicken Fight. Which would be the best to challenge the hippo to? Let’s review our options.

Sharks and Minnows – Winner: HIPPO! When you’re a shark, it’s the goal of the minnow to get to the other side of the pool without getting pulled to the surface. When you’re a minnow, you have to get by the shark. You tell me which is easier: stopping a charging hippo or getting by a creature that is the width of the swimming pool.

Marco Polo – Winner: TIE! If a hippo closes its eyes, it’s probably sleeping. Game over.

Chicken Fight – Winner: YOU! You see, you thought Chicken Fight was all about hoisting your girlfriend onto your shoulders for a match of chick-slap dominance. Instead, it’s your chance to kick nature’s ass. The hippo has decided to team up with that stupid tickbird, (in the name of symbiosis), and your girlfriend can totally take that pipsqueak.