Down Goes...Everybody?

Let’s say you’re an event planner, and you’ve been tasked with hosting the social event of the season. Based on your past efforts, pretty much everyone expects a quality effort out of your camp. Now you know what it takes to put together a respectable soirée, and the vendors you choose to support you have a well-known history and you know whether or not you can count on them in the clutch. Sure, they are 7-9 other parties going on the same night, so vendor contracts are one-per-party, but hey, you’ve done your homework.

Fantasy football is not unlike the above scenario; proper planning and track record are the co-names of the game. You do your homework by picking a proper team in your draft and not signing damaged goods. Take a quarterback’s offensive line. If his team’s front office lets its two Pro Bowl tackles walk in the off-season, leaving last year’s backups and this year’s rookies, this QB will be running for his life all season long. You can see this coming a mile away, and you can plan around it.

Take the weather, for example. An event planner can get round-the-clock meteorological updates and know ahead of time that he just might need to keep that vendor with the outdoor tent supply on Line 2 in case of rain. You can see weather coming. You can see a paper-thin O-Line. These things are predictable. But in either scenario – whether it was the gridiron or the gala – one can’t plan for the unexpected.

This year, my team has been hit by the unexpected. If my fantasy squad were a social-to-do, it just got hit with the power failure that blacked out the city grid. Who saw this coming?

I know reading about somebody else’s fantasy football team isn’t exactly page-scrolling material, but this catastrophic maelstrom of woe that has befell my mighty squad is so remarkable that I beg you to continue. If you don’t, well then, you may have the same fate they did.

Coming into this year, I was the reigning champ in a league that has some Monrovians and some Bristolians, commish’ed by one Jon Rogers. I won last year largely due to an excellent draft, and a little luck (Mattias should have won, but his clinching receiver got a concussion in the 2nd quarter and finished fractions of a point behind.) Confident, I sat down at this year’s draft table to select the 10 players and 1 defense that would allow me to repeat and renew bragging rights for next off-season. (Yes, we drafted 12 rounds, but because Jon is a bench hater, I planned from Day 1 to use the last spot as a rotating waiver wire pick-up.) Let’s review, shall we?

1st Round: STEPHEN JACKSON, RB, Rams
Fate: After two slow weeks, Jackson finally looked like his Nike commercial in Week 3, posting 115 yards on the ground. He rushed 30 times, proving to be one too many. Jackson suffered a partial tear of his left groin, which I speak for all men by saying, “AUUUUUUOWWW.” We haven’t heard from Jackson since, missing the last 3 games.

2nd Round: MARVIN HARRISON, WR, Colts
Fate: In Harrison’s career prior to this season, he had missed 1 game. His durability is why I made him the highest-picked wideout in the draft. When I saw the Colts had pasted 38 points on Denver in Week 4, I was ecstatic – Marvin must have had 100 yards and at least a score, right? Stat line says! 1 catch for 8 yards? What the? “inactive with a bruised left knee?” Damn it.

4rh Round: JAMAL LEWIS, RB, Browns
Fate: I know this was a stretch, but I assure you it was a depth chart pick. However, the one way to negate depth is to develop a sort foot after getting one rush against New England last week. Lewis didn’t play this week, and was listed as “questionable” on the injury report. It appears my drafting strategy was questionable.

5th Round: ANDRE JOHNSON, WR, Texans
Fate: Hey, I remember that guy! He was awesome when he last played. IN WEEK FREAKIN’ 2. Stupid knee sprain.

6th Round: VERNON DAVIS, TE, 49ers
Fate: Last time I pick a stupid Terrapin. I had no idea Turtles were susceptible to Week 3 knee injuries. Turtles have knees?

7th Round: MATT LEINART, QB, Cardinals.
Fate: No one reminded me that you can’t spell “Leinart” without I and R. Broke his collarbone last week, done for the season.

9th Round: JAKE DELHOMME, QB, Panthers.
Fate: It would be nice to have a capable backup quarterback who can fill in when your starting quarterback breaks his collarbone. Preferably not one who needs SEASON-ENDING ELBOW surgery the same week. Cooked.

10th Round: DENVER BRONCOS, Defense
Fate: Yes, it’s impossible for 11 guys on the same unit of same team. This is true. However, when your best player, Champ Bailey, is one a first-name basis with the MRI lab, that’s not a good sign.

11th Round: JOSH SCOBEE, Kicker, Jaguars
Fate: How improbable is it for a kicker to get injured, what with the limited amount of activity required of him? That depends if I drafted him or not. Scobee must have the worst quad strain in NFL history – as he’s yet to kick anything this year.

If Edgerrin James or Laveranues Coles are reading this, you’ve been warned.

You’re next.