Flipping the Scripps

Next week, the Scripps National Spelling Bee will take place, allowing some bookworm kid (not Charlie Brown) to add a nice little crown jewel to their college application by becoming the National Champ. Last year, Katharine Close took home the prize by nailing “ursprache” in the final round. Nice work, Jersey girl.

(In ’93, Geoff Hooper won on “kamikaze.” Must have been a slow year for smart kids.)

This year, like last year, the final will be held live on prime-time network television, and millions will tune in to watch Websterites correctly spell words like euonym, elegiacal, and vivisepulture. (It should be noted that all three of these words have been clinchers for past champions, yet Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize any of them.) However, as fun as it is to see kids in white polo shirts correctly spell stuff, I think it would by much more enjoyable to watch the complete opposite. Without further ado, we give you the 2007 National Spelling Cow.

(While bees are excellent spellers, we assumed that cows righteously suck at it. So they get to be the namesake.)

Proctor: Hello, and welcome to the 2007 National Spelling Cow. For those unfamiliar with our long and storied history, the goal of the Spelling Cow is to crown America’s worst speller. The winner will receive a Webster’s Dictionary, a Speak and Spell, and an actual cow. Thanks to our corporate sponsor, Kraft Foods, for that last one, kids. We have four contestants here in the finals, so let’s just get started, shall we?Our first contestant is Christopher Nordberg. Mr. Nordberg, your word is “BEHAVIOR.”

Nordberg: Behavior. B-E-E-V-I-O-R. Behavior. (DING!)
Proctor: Excellent. Next, we have Mattias Caro. Mattias, your words are “DUMP TRUCK.”
Mattias: Dump Truck. D-U-M-B-T-R-U-C-K. Dump Truck. (DING!)
Proctor: Well done. Our third finalist is Akeelah Anderson. Miss Anderson, your word is “ECCLESIASTES.”
Akeelah: (looking immensely confused) Ok, Ecclesiastes. E-C-C-L-E-S-I-A-S-T-E-S. Ecclesiastes. (HONK!)
Proctor: I’m so sorry, that’s incorrect.
Akeelah: What the f-
Proctor: I’m sorry, you’ll have to leave the stage.
Akeelah: How am I going to explain this to Morpheus (exits)
Proctor: Our final contestant is Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Sparrow, your word is “SAVVY.”
Sparrow: Savvy, eh? S-A-V-V-E-E- Savvy? (DING!)
Proctor: Correct, well done! Ok, back to you, Chris. Your next word is “CONGLOMERATE.”
Nordberg: Conglomerate. “C-O-N-G-L-O-M-M-E-R-I-T.” Conglomerate. (DING!)
Proctor: Clever, indeed. You pass. Mattias, the word is “TRANSFIGURATION”
Mattias: T-R-A-N-Z-F-E-E-G-BO-BOP-S-H-U-N. (DING!)
Proctor: Splendid! Sparrow, the word is “ARE.”
Sparrow: R…(HONK!)
Proctor: I’m sorry, Captain, that was surprisingly correct.
Sparrow: The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a good speller or you can't. But spelling is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day.
Proctor: What? Eh, whatever. Our final two spellers are Mr. Nordberg and Mr. Caro. Let’s enter the lightning round, shall we?

Nordberg: Eunuch. Y-O-O-N-I-C-K. (ding!)
Caro: Elementary. E-L-E-M-E-N-T-E-R-Y. (ding!)
Nordberg: Maestro. M-Y-S-T-R-O-U-G-H (ding!)
Caro: Akeelah. A-C-K-E-E-L-A-A-A. (ding!)
Nordberg: Fjord. F-BORK. (ding!)
Caro: Greatness. O-V-E-C-H-K-I-N. (ding!)

Proctor: That was some truly horrific spelling right there – well done! Ok, Mr. Nordberg, let’s take this up a notch. Your word is “CURRENCY.”
Nordberg: (sighs.) Ok, you may have just doomed me, but Currency. C-U-R-R-E-N-C-Y. (honk!)
Proctor: I’m sorry, that was accurate. Mr. Caro, for the win, the word remains “CURRENCY.”
Caro: Currency. C-U-faintsandfallstofloor. Currency. (ding!)

Proctor: We have our champ, Mattias A. Caro. Here, have a cow.