How We Gonna Pay?

While Rob Harford may have recently taken the plunge, after further consideration the Condons are going to hold off on buying a place of their own for another six months. There are a number of factors that went into this decision, but ultimately, the market’s asking price of both and arm and a leg seems to be too much. I suppose I could get by with only one arm, but that throw-in leg – I’m going to need that. My balance isn’t that good.

So this will mark only the second time in my post-WM life that I will stay put at the end of a 1 year lease. In the past, life events such as marriage has forced the hand to relocate, while other times it was the ability to have a roommate (a prodigal one at that.) But regardless of what it was that ultimately forces me to load all my worldly possessions into a rickety rented truck, one motive has always been constant.

Next year’s Rent.

Faring just better than Towing Company Lackey on my list of Least Favorite People by Career Choice, the landlord has inexplicably more power over your life than they rightfully deserve. They are the masters of the bait-and-switch, catching you in a lull that comes with affordable move-in specials only to get clocked by a renewal notice that could stop a heart. It’s not like the value of the apartment in which you live suddenly rockets in value by more than $100/month, yet the landlord has no one to keep him in check. Sure you can decline, but who wants to move again? Those utility account start-up fees will totally cut into your summer-blockbuster-movie-admission fund, no?

I’ve moved a couple times because of this very fact, so I have to say, I was less than optimistic to receive the terms of extension from my current complex (still named Camden.) It’s become a rite of spring to watch my semi-weekly earnings get chomped like a starved Pac-Man. What would it be this time, landlordjerks? $80/mo? $120/mo? $200/mo?

Try 16 dollars per month.

What bastards!

Look, oh Titan of the Residential Treasury, I have a kid now and I just can’t absorb that kind of blow to my monthly budget! My little girl’s gotta eat, and formula isn’t cheap. You think I have that kind of scratch lying around at month’s end just to overstuff your coffers for the same exact service you provide now? I think not! This is an outrage.

Ok, breathe.

Realizing that arguing with the landlord will get me nowhere but tired, I’ve thought about it and come up with the following cost-cutting initiatives in order to pay next month’s rent. Any additional suggestions can be placed in the comments.

If I paper clip my pockets shut any time I get in a car, that’ll be a dollar saved.
If I get that Five Guys cheeseburger sans bacon, that’s a dollar saved.
If I charge passers-by to look at the sleeping baby in the stroller, a dollar earned.
If I park illegally for softball, that’s a dollar saved.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed with Nordberg’s plans, that’d be a dollar, too.
If I convert that stupid film can of European coins from my trip to Germany, that’s a dollar, too.
I could rent a car and save a dollar.
If I can figure how to take people’s pennies and rearrange them to depict local DC landmarks with my hands, that’s a dollar earned.
If I wear one less dress shirt a month, that’s a dollar saved.
I could go on a cruise ship and dance – that’s another dollar.
If I could walk Richie Rich’s dog in the morning, that would be a Dollar.
If I see Pirates of the Caribbean during the day at matinee pricing, that will be a dollar saved.
If I rearranged the letters of “Landlord,” I could get a dollar there, too.
If I order take out rather than sitting in a restaurant, that’s a dollar saved.
I could absolutely suck at Deal or No Deal and still save a dollar.

Damn it. So close. Can I borrow a dollar?