Callsign: Soccer Mom

I’ve driven many different vehicles in my lifetime. There’s the Volvo Tank – the Garden State Warrior – that helped me through high school and college and allowed me to make friends with the authorities. I drove a Toyota Camry for awhile, and managed to salvage the cool sunglasses holder, about two weeks too late for Karen Yelito to benefit. There’s the One Accord silver bullet in which I currently roll, that has formed much of my basis for the Law of Vehicular Car-ma. I play shofar in Katie’s Highlander often, and on occasion, I have the need to helm a moving truck. Throw in a rental midgetmobile every now and then, and I have a full fleet of rides that I could captain at any time.

Just don’t ask me to drive stick.

And now, thanks to my recent trip to Colorado, I can add another fine driving machine to my garage. One would think that in my visiting the Rockies, I would have rented a car that sounds rugged and manly, like a Silverado, Tacoma, or Ridgline. (Hell, they even tell me Chevy named this one Colorado in honor of my visit. Go figure.) But no, I realized that this trip would be about something different than chasing wild horses across a mountain ridge in my pickup truck. It would be about people moving, safety, and the ability to look cool wherever I drove.

Hello, Toyota Sienna.

Ah! Just listen to that name. “toy-oh-taaaahhhh si-ennnnn-ahhhhh.” It is really like music to the ears. Music with four-wheel drive. It’s just beautiful, that name. Now if I had to picture a car with a beautiful name like Toyota Sienna, this is the vision I get. Now I already know it’s a Toyota, so it’s guaranteed that my new wheels will get decent gas mileage, have efficient seating and hold up against other mid-priced wheels. But Sienna! What a glorious name – it must be the type of car that you imagine at sunset, cruising across the summer plans alongside a gentle brook with the wind in your face and the sun warming the cool early evening air. Yeah. This one has trendy sports car written all over it.

(Note: that’s not me in the driver’s seat there. How did you expect me to simultaneously take the picture?)

That’s right, people – I made this look good.

Driving a mini-van is not unlike driving a normal-looking vehicle, with the one exception that it is completely unlike driving a normal-looking vehicle. Look man, I’m not built to drive a minivan. Fighter pilots drive Corvettes. Cowboys drive pick-up trucks. Stockbrokers drive luxury sedans. Tall, left-handed bloggers drive cars named after a cappella group for which they once sang. You know who drives minivans?

Soccer moms. Soccer moms drive minivans.

So based on my week-long stint at the helm of my powder blue chick magnet, this is what I learned about soccer moms.

• Soccer moms are incredibly thirsty. Within reach, I had access to two cup holders in the center console, a third that unfolded from beneath the radio controls, and a fourth that comes out of the doors. I knew that soccer requires the most endurance out of any team sport, but I had no idea that need for sports drink recharging extended to those who shuttle the players to games. Wow.


• Soccer moms do not have eyes in the back of the heads. But they do have a handy school bus mirror up above so they can keep an eye on all eleventy billion passengers. I’m watching you, Grandma.


• Soccer moms are music lovers. This Sienna came equipped with a three-disc CD changer, but I can’t say we were able to fully utilize the bass shaking system this car no doubt had. You see, the CD player was busted. Well not completely busted we should say. While two of the discs were permanently on the DL, the third did succeed in playing music. By music, I mean Disney’s Family Christmas Collection. There’s nothing like celebrating a trip to your sister-in-law’s USAFA graduation like Jiminy Cricket singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Right?


• Soccer moms never get a chance to play soccer. Damn it.