The Project Management is Strong with This One

It’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of sitting in corporate training sessions. Given, it’s the best way to collect many well-intentioned employees and make them as unproductive as possible during a multi-hour block, when in realty, a handy quick reference card could have taught the same thing, but hey, it’s old school. You may remember that the last time I sat in a conference room learning about our new project management software package, I took the time to blog by hand in my notebook, and that was no easy feat. This training is better than that one for two main reasons:

1) Lunch is provided.
2) They let me have my laptop.

I’ve always said, “The best way to teach a new software package is with hands-on experience.” Ok, I haven’t always said that, but that’s only because I try to avoid giving strangers the idea that I’m some sort of software package dork who can’t talk about anything else. I’d be an extremely boring individual if that were true, and you people probably wouldn’t even read this blog, considering I would just be wax poetic about the capabilities and add-ons available with Version 13.2 of Project X. So I guess I could have hit backspace over the past 85 words and changed the word “always” to “occasionally,” but well, the train of thought came roaring through the station and wasn’t making any stops. I hate when that happens.

The reason I was allowed to have my laptop this time around is because we were to participate in a Data Exchange session. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, Data Exchange is an online meeting module that allows you to see everything that is happening on the presenter’s own screen. It sure beats staring up at a projected version, and by logging into the DEx, you can ask questions electronically. That part of the DEx operates much like a standard chat room.

Frank has entered the room.
Hilary has entered the room.
Gary has entered the room.

Now, my conference room, in a rare move to overkill, allowed you to follow along on your laptop as well as follow along on the projection screen. So, I could participate without actually logging into the chat. However, had I decided to enter the chat, which I almost did, I paused for a second at the place where it asked me to enter my name. Had I done it, I would have followed the above syntax and used solely my first name. But if the wickedly bored side of my brain took over, the big screen would then show in the corner:

Darth Vader has entered the room.

I think that would be the scariest thing ever for a presenter to have to read mid-slide. Are you kidding me? I didn’t know Darth Vader was planning on attending. I don’t see him in the room anywhere, so he must be in the McLean office. It doesn’t matter where he is – I think he’s capable of sending the mental death choke cross country if I screw this up.

This could send shivers down the presenter’s spine, even if Lord Vader chooses to sit back, passively participate, and breathe heavily on his laptop keyboard. Hey, he may find this training session incredibly informative. After all, the goal of this software package is to create a formal process by which to carry out construction and large-dollar maintenance projects. And after his bratty son and his friends blew up the Death Star, I can only assume that someone had to fit a construction manager’s helmet on top of his pre-existing Sith warrior dome, no?

According to the original trilogy, Return of the Jedi shows a second Death Star as a construction-in-progress. Furthermore, the events of “Jedi” occur only one year after the Empire Strikes Back, and four years after Luke’s one in a million prayer. Now I don’t know about you, but that seems like a hell of an accelerated schedule to build Version 2.0. Think about your local interstate appropriations project. That thing’s been under construction for like 10 years, right? Considering the Empire probably spent the first 6 months or so in shock, early schematics probably weren’t really finished after 18 months (after the Achilles’ heel of the first Death Star, there’s no WAY intergalactic building permit services would simply green light a carbon copy of the first set of plans.)

Ah, the benefits of Darkside Autocracy.

If I were an accountant working for the Empire, my job would be easy. Project approvals come from the guy with the black hood and bad back. If he wants something done, he points that arthritic finger my way and I open up the financial coffers. He’s a spare-no-expense type of guy, so if he wants a plasma TV or little weird rolling droid things in every room, so be it!

But this is Free Market Capitalism, not the Empire.

Darth Vader was no doubt hired by the Emperor to build the Second Death Star, and his ability to intimidate is what put the project so ahead of schedule by the time the Ewoks get involved in the saga. He’s lucky to have been able to expedite such a massive undertaking, considering he has to deal with vendors like Watto for parts, and they drive the hardest of bargains.

Eh, there’s no way the blackest brother in the galaxy waits for six electronic budget approvals before he commences work.

Darth Vader has left the room.