"This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty-six."
- Revelations 13:18
Could this really be it?
Looking at my calendar, and also from the incessant advertising for the unneeded remake of The Omen, today’s date is June 6, 2006, or more apocalyptically, 6-6-06. The media has made much of the fact that the world could end today as the number of the antichrist has surfaced in everyone’s Microsoft Outlook. Never mind it has already done 19 times, every hundred years or so since the birth of Christ. That 20th time’s a charm for Satan, we hear.
First off, if today was supposed to be the rapture, way more things would have gone wrong up to this point. The shower would have only been cold water. Katie would have passed on her morning coffee. While looking in the mirror, my comb would have disintegrated to dust, landing in my hair and forcing me to take another shower, not any warmer than the first. My commute would have been tied up because of something totally unexpected like “I-66 is bumper to bumper due to fire-breathing Ford Mustangs.” The heavy-duty stapler would successfully bind documents without jamming up. My chair would have been replaced by a burning stack of embers. You know, real biblical stuff.
(I do realize that I-66 is one sixer away from being the road to the end of days. I had no idea Hell would have an HOV lane for car pooling sinners.)
Today is not the Apocalypse. Here’s why.
Aside from the aforementioned signs of doom, I believe there to be many other telltale signs that would make this blog be the last thing you ever read before judgment day. The apocalypse, when the time comes, will most definitely fall on a Monday. Everybody hates Mondays. It gives everyone one last Sunday to worship and beg forgiveness at church (the day it pulls in the big crowds.) Also, the last thing we need on the last day of earth is for people to panic. People are so caught up with struggling to get out of bed on a Monday that they’ll be too tired to freak out. Also, it gives God one last weekend viewing period to see if you’ve been heaven-worthy.
(So careful when you use His name in vain when your favorite football team comes up short on Sunday.)
Secondly, the number 666 will play a significant role in warning people that the end is near. The lottery will no doubt come up sixes. Poker games will be won on three-of-a-kinds that add up to 18. That ticket you get for ramming the car in front of you while trying to avoid the Mustang del Fuego will be for $666. You will be fed up with your wireless carrier and switch to Verizon, who will promptly offer you the phone number 666-6666. The signs will be everywhere.
Finally, if there’s going to be any non-Monday this month that will be the apocalypse, it’s going to be June 16. I’m sure 6-16-06 isn’t that far off the track – what are a few days in the realm of all existence? Forget The Omen; look at the movies coming out on my predicted date: Nacho Libre, Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, and – AND – a Garfield sequel. I thought God had a sense of humor.
Some days back dating can be annoying. And some days it can help you avoid the day or reckoning. I’ve got three more weeks to live!
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