New Mexi-CAN!

This is the first of the four-part series chronicling my vacation with the roommates to New Mexico. I may be live-blogging, bouncing a wireless signal off some errant cactus in the desert, or maybe I tried to predict how the trip will transpire ahead of time. Fact or fiction, that’s for you to decide.

Once a year, the four roommates of Governor’s Square embark on a trip to parts unknown. Well, they’re only unknown until Chris Nordberg decides to pull out his dartboard of the United States and figure out what underappreciated state we will greet with our presence. You see, other than installing a Mountain Dew vending machine in every room of his future palatial estate, his only real goal in life is to be able to say he’s visited all 50 states. Last time he counted, I think he had cracked the low-forties. When one reaches this many, certainly all the main vacation spots have been eliminated.

If you need us, we’ll be staying at 15 New Mexico Road, New Mexico.

In the past, the four of us have managed to push the karmatic envelope in order to synchronize all travel plans. The aforementioned Nordberg has decided to drive his Chevy Blazer to points west, which would make it that much easier to be coordinated. Dave Reif is flying from Nashville, and was forced to board his plane at the crack of dawn, central time. Why so early, you may ask? He can thank yours truly, who booked Mr. Mellor and myself for a crack of dawn, eastern time flight out of Dulles.

If I were Liz Grimm, I’d say right here, “I love me some cheap crack of dawn flights.”

So as I type this deep inside my ribcage, I think about a host of things. Other than camping, the agenda is wide open once we get to New Mexico. And since Nordpedia has got the reservations under control, I should be able to close my eyes and relax. But I can’t help but think about what happened an hour ago in the airport.

There we were, Spud and I, waiting patiently in line when we both realized that this wasn’t your standard check-in protocol. You see, United and most other airlines have adopted touch screen technology (which I’m sure was first patented by the mighty Wawa.) Each person checking in can now print tickets, modify seats, check baggage, an all the rest with a few simple screen presses. Everything was going great, and then the lights went out.

Airports are known for being well-lit and well-staffed. And yet, the two of us were now standing in a dim, empty terminal. Suddenly, the touch screens flickered to life. A familiar title screen appeared:

Orientation -- The Hanso Foundation

Now I new very well that ABC’s hit show Lost had made great efforts in recent weeks to skew the line between reality and television, but this was unprecedented. There he was, Dr. Marvin Candle on screen and telling us that this airport was not real, and United Airline is a giant cover-up for Oceanic Air. Crap.

A shuffle of shadows and out of nowhere we were surrounded. Legions of men in head-to-toe black pajama-like uniforms. Ready to fight, and ready to listen to…Dr. Marvin Candle???

Fortunately for me, Spud is well-trained in the ways of the Internet Movie Database. As the two of us fought off an ARMY OF THE FOOT CLAN, he told me the entire backstory. The actor who plays Dr. Marvin Candle on ABC’s Lost also was the Shredder in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. (Even I can’t make this stuff up.) From this scenario, two new rules of air travel become frighteningly apparent.

Rule #1: Never make a Nordberg wait.
Rule #2: Never trust a doctor who hangs out with ninjas.

Spud, in the middle of spinning star kick that would have made Chun-Li proud told me I had to go on, and that he would finish them off. After all, as a future ninja-lawyer, this was his destiny.

And then there were 3.