When you are a professional athlete, the league for which you play does its best to make money through merchandising, using your likeness on anything they can think of that might be attractive to fans, collectors, and man-crush stalkers. Most of it is common sense: jerseys, player cards, photos, autographs – these things will sell to those mildly interested. But as SportsCenter has been running during C-breaks (that’s TV speak for commercials), the latest craze that will soon replace Bobbleheads is….
Life-size cardboard cutouts.
Yeah, cardboard cutouts have been around forever, but are gaining popularity in the homes of sports fans. Hell, my sister’s future place of employment even seems to be getting in on the act, auctioning them off to good students. Cutouts have an increasing role in society. The stand guard behind ESPN2’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. They take the jobs of perfectly good CGI extras in stadium and audience scenes in movies. And they add a little spice to those who work in cardboard box companies, giving them another product line. After a while, “box” kind of sucks.
If you have friends that are cardboard cutouts, well, then, I’m sorry. They’re not very talkative, and their personality is pretty two-dimensional. They can’t sit down to watch a movie, and they wear the same damn clothes no matter the occasion. However, even though cardboard cutouts do not make very good friends, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be extremely cool to have. The comedic purposes alone would be worth it.
This is what I want for Christmas.
Now I’m not in the business of “accumulating stuff.” Having to move next week has taught me that. But after pondering this for a few minutes this morning, I’m just imagining the fun I could have with a few specifically selected and placed cardboard cutouts. The reason I have this in mind is because my office building has a cardboard rabbit infestation. Our annual company picnic is held at Six Flags, and as a flagship for all things Warner Brothers, it is being promoted to employees with 5-foot standup versions of Bugs Bunny. He’s smiling in every one. Doesn’t he know that you’re not supposed to have fun at work?
Without further ado, here are my Top 3 Cardboard Cutout Wish List Members.
1 – Clubber Lang. Yes, this one actually exists. Now the Legacy of Mr. T should not be reduced to has poppy catchphrases and gruff diction. The man’s appearance spoke volumes. Angry and ready to box, this guy could be a hit. Just place him in an elevator, front and center, and anytime someone tries to get into the peoplemover too quickly, he’ll pity them.
2 – Those freaky sisters from the Shining. Please tell me you’ve seen them. When Danny is cruising the Hotel Crazy on his Big Wheel, one hard left turn was all it took before he was introduced to the creepiest hallucination in the flick. Could you imagine having these at your disposal? Placing them at the end of long hallways in your apartment complex or office? (It beats trying to get the elevator to fill with blood, doesn’t it?)
3 – Albert Pujols in a William and Mary jersey – If the opposing pitcher saw him waiting on the on deck circle, maybe I could finally get some good pitches to hit. Who would you rather throw strikes to – Chris Condon who SWINGS AT EVERYTHING, or the best player in baseball?
No comments:
Post a Comment