AP-propo

This is not a Best Company Ever post. I repeat: this is not a Best Company Ever post. In order for it to be a BCE corporate tip, I would have to have a solution for the problem at hand. A business practice that few have ever dared think of, and even fewer who have implemented it. My only idea to amend this is to employ robots. However, U.S. Labor law isn’t fond of robot replacement just yet, and since they lack emotional circuits, how in the world are they going to benefit from all these new Successories prints I have bought on eBay to motivate the gang?

(Note: I have this up in my cube at work. It explains a lot, I think.)

The gang in question today is all those fine folks in Accounts Payable. AP, for short, is anything but Advanced Placement, which may have been the abbreviation for your courses in high school. There’s a subtle difference between the two. In one of them, you have a memorandum of understanding that everyone in the room is relatively intelligent, and expanding the mind in order to grasp the abstract. In the other, you have a memorandum of understanding that running with scissors is bad, and no matter what Ross in Payroll tells you, you don’t have to stick your head on the copier to get paid.

Yoo-hoo – anybody home?

Like my pirates, I think this is one of those departments whose rep can transcend all businesses in all industries. AP is my own personal hell. It’s not the job function they perform – the payment of vendors and subcontractors for product received or service rendered – but rather the manner in which said job function is (or isn’t) carried out. First, let me walk you the process of paying a vendor, while keeping the boredom quotient below 4.0 (since payables are not exactly riveting, subliminal buzzwords may or may not be inserted into the explanation to grab your attention.)

When an invoice comes in to AP, (COOKIES!) the AP processor takes it and reviews it for (PUPPIES!) accuracy. This is a 14-step process (FREE MONEY!), which can take a processor anywhere from 4 minutes to 4 months. (VACATION!) The ok to pay is given and Corporate Treasury cuts the check. (PONIES?) See how easy that was?

You still there?

But the problem isn’t the process. It’s the staff.

An AP processor is theoretically your friend. Friends are known to do many charitable and nice things for each other. There’s reciprocity and generosity in a friendship. However, AP is the friend who takes advantage of such qualities and makes you pay.Believe me, I’ve paid.

No, AP is the friend who asks to borrow your car to run a few errands, and doesn’t come back til next Wednesday. When he does get back, he lets you know that the gas is running a little low, your ride could use an oil change, and the front headlight is out (never mind the reason is that he knocked out the headlight by means of tree). So he brings back the car to get this work done, which you calmly explain that the gas tank actually is already full, the oil gauge is right and that he’s just looking at it wrong, and the headlight is his fault so he should have to fix it. Your friend then proceeds to slam the car’s door, prompting it to fall off its hinges, put his fingers in his ears, sing “LALALALALALALALA” over and over while running around the car with a terrified look on his face, supplemented with glee.

Yeah, robots sound damn good.