Occupational Trainwrecks

Let’s make this a multi-post Monday, ok? I’m feeling inspired.

Every now and then, U.S. Department of Labor, as well as other interested publication, often put together lists of the world’s best and worst occupations. These come out on a periodic basis, most often annual or in line with the Census every ten years. The best jobs are often computed as a product of compensation, hours, low-risk, demand, and number of free office supplies one is able to tuck within their coat. The worst are often low-paying, high-hazard, little flexibility, and contain a strong chance that the office supplies you stole attack you in your sleep. Like Beauty and the Beast, but with less musical numbers and more sucker punches by doom.

We’re not here to question Disney today.

However, these lists are so infrequent that someone curiously looking at the job classifieds would have only outdated information on which to base their next potential assignment. Yeah, internet marketing manager sounded like a damn good job 10 years ago, but now you might as well be a cat herder for that same firm. Norm MacDonald used to joke that the worst job for ten years running was “Assistant Crackwhore,” and while that holds merit, I’m not going to put it in YAB’s new feature:

The Three Worst Jobs in the World This Week.
(not subject to be featured weekly)

Central Defender, Paraguayan Men’s National Soccer Team
This position is chiefly held by team captain Carlos Gamarra. For the most part, Carlos’ job seems pretty plush. At 35 years old, Gamarra gets to lead the most popular team in the most popular sport in his country, wears tons of free stuff provided by Puma, gets to use his size to intimidate other employees of rival companies, and gets a free trip to Germany this year for the World Cup. Everything was great. However, a 1-0 loss to England on Saturday morning may dampen his spirits. Furthermore, the fact that the only goal, a David Beckham free kick, went into the net only after it touched the head of Gamarra. That’s an own goal, in soccer-speak. That’s trouble for Gamarra.

You see, in the ’94 Cup, a man named Andres Escobar committed a similar error against the USA. A few days after the tourney ended, he was shot and killed in a bar back in Colombia. Now Gamarra’s was far less pivotal, but it was enough to make the old TTWJITWTW.

Movie Critic, United States Media Publication
Dude, I’m sorry for these guys and gals. Normally, I dismiss their petty views, nitpicky movie viewing habits, and off-the-mark analyses of movies I like. With the exception of Roger Ebert and a few others, these people are just fighting for headline space. Well, now it is time for payback. With Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, and Nacho Libre coming out this week, movie critics everywhere will be crying themselves to sleep. Serves you right, Stephen Hunter of the Washington Post.

Publicist to the Stars
The one we have in mind is none other than Elliot Mintz. Mr. Mintz is in the news again trying to deflect the public’s ire against socialite/worst person ever Paris Hilton. Hilton hit a car in a parking and ran, failing to leave any contact information. This is factual; the lot had a video camera that has it well-documented. Nonetheless, Mintz had to release the following statement: Did she commit a crime? No. She was swarmed by paparazzi .The intensity of the lights, flashbulbs, momentarily disoriented her. She backed up, there was a minor fender-bender. No injuries. Paris is a very responsible and a very good driver, she takes her driving seriously. This was unfortunate and it will be handled appropriately."

It should be noted that Mintz is also the publicist for David Crosby (who recently was revealed to be the father of Melissa Etheridge’s kid, Janet Jones (Wayne Gretzky’s wife who is currently embroiled in the sports betting ring known as Tocchetgate), and Don Johnson (who could release a new album at any moment, thereby killing us all.