New Mexi-DON'T!

This is the last of the four-part series chronicling my vacation with the roommates to New Mexico. Of course, with no roommates left, it’s just me here. As always, I may be blogging with my computer in the desert or I may have predicted the events beforehand. You’ll be the judge, and we’ll see you soon.

They say no man is an island, but at this point, I have to disagree with them. This vacation just didn’t seem to play out as we had all planned – especially Nordberg. I am writing this on a PDA made entirely of turquoise – I bought it from an old Indian woman in the Santa Fe Village earlier in the week. Okay, it doesn’t have Bluetooth, but it does have a border made entirely of wolf teeth. I think that when I get back to my job, this thing sure as hell will command some respect in the boardroom.

Anytime you can merge pie charts with the harkening of evil spirits, it makes for a good meeting.

I’m now sitting in the plaza square of Santa Fe with not a whole lot to do, now that my three partners in crime are a tad incommunicado. I can’t even check into the hotel, considering Nordberg was the one who booked it. Not that I’d be able to unpack once I got to the room, as most of my stuff remains in the SUV with coyotes, who last time I heard were on their way to Mexico. (This PDA has GPS. And plenty of other acronyms, including CD-ROM, FAQs, NATO, and the man from U.N.C.L.E.) Hmm…I wonder if the city planners will care if I just pitch the tent right here in the town square. If I provide enough marshmallows, then just maybe…

Now that I’ve been to New Mexico, I can leave you all with a final ranking of all states that are Version 2.0 of their predecessors. Yes, the United States, in their infinite yet mildly unoriginal wisdom, named four states with the “New” prefix. Apparently, the high British estates of York, Hampshire, Jersey, and Mexico were cool enough to warrant a sequel. (Ok, two things – I know that Mexico isn’t from the English. It’s from the inglés. Second, not all sequels are merited. For further research, please see the following trainwreck. This means you, James Maugham.)

By the way, I hate Top 4 Lists. So we’ll throw a ringer in to round out the pentaverate.

5. Newfoundland – We hear it’s in Canada. We’ve also never met anyone from there. Therefore, it must be a made-up land that can only be reached by walking through a wardrobe. A wardrobe filled with hockey jerseys and mukluks.

4. New Hampshire – The most famous citizen, the Old Man of the Mountain, left town in 2003. Why would I go back? Maine has better skiing, Vermont has better ice cream, Massachusetts has better sports, Rhode Island has better Arsenaults, and Connecticut has better insurance. Hmm.

3. New Mexico – New Mexico prevented one friend from getting on the plane, threw another in jail, and killed a third. You’re lucky to take the bronze. Big points for the blue corn tortillas, though.

2. New York – Even though the women on the New York state flag are more attractive then those on the Garden State, the Empire State comes up short in this completely non-biased ranking. I blame Isiah Thomas.

1. New Jersey – They’ve picked local rockers Bon Jovi to play their new song “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” as the official tourist song of NJ. Way better choice than homegrown Frank Sinatra “New York, New York.”