All the Right Moves

The only thing bigger would have been Steinbrenner hiring Costner.

As some of you may have read, Paramount Studios recently decided to end its working partnership with Hollywood’s favorite crazy person, Tom Cruise, and sent him out on the heels of a scathing blaze of remarks by Viacom (who owns Paramount) CEO Sumner Redstone. Did Redstone cut him loose with just cause? Sure. Does that mean Tom Cruise – the Tom Cruise – is down for the count. Hell, no.

As of yesterday, Mr. Cruise is no longer a free agent. And who do we know in this area that loves to spend money on free agents? Yep. You guessed it.

The 2006 NFL preseason hasn’t started off in the way the Washington Redskins has hoped. Running back Clinton Portis has been sidelined with a shoulder injury, and the maroon and gold of DC has struggled in their schedule thus far. Their owner, Daniel Snyder, has never been known to sit tight and let things run its course. Well you guessed it. Forget Randle-El – Washington’s biggest free agent of the offseason? Tom Cruise.

With his latest venture, a film production company named “First and Goal,” Snyder has signed one of Hollywood’s most bankable stars. At a production cost of $3 million/year, Cruise should keep the ‘skins within the salary cap (albeit barely), as he’ll make slightly more than Renaldo Wynn and slightly less than the injured Portis. Compared to Paramount, Snyder hasn’t shown him the money, but much like Terrell Owens contract with Dallas, he has to prove him way back up to the big bucks (and besides Snyder’s taking a $7mil cap hit on LaVar Arrington in ’06.)

The First and Goal name is indeed an interesting name for a production company. However, the Redskins red zone percentage was 53% in 2004 (not sure about ’05). Doesn’t this give Snyder’s movies a hit-or-miss low bar of expectations? Eh, I guess that puts him in line with Disney.

Anyways, with the Redskins offense sputtering and Cruise new arrival, we thought it would be helpful for Mr. Snyder (a loyal reader, no doubt) if we tweaked the depth chart and played Tom Cruise…at every offensive position.

Quarterback - The leader on the field. Would help if he were the best player on the field. And if Snyder plans to send out a team of Tom Cruises, we better have at the helm his character from his best flick, no? Welcome, Lt. Daniel Kaffee. (A Few Good Men)

Running Back - Ethan Hunt (Mission Impossible Series) – While the third film in series may have actually been the best one (thank you, J.J. Abrams), we have to wonder this. Are these movies just Tom Cruise going on his daily run with a $160 million dollar budget surrounding him? Most gratuitous running since Baywatch.

Fullback - Charlie Babbitt (Rain Man) – Being a fullback is a thankless position, as you have only done your job well if another (the RB) shines. Cruise’s performance in Rain Man was understated and brilliant, and blocks for Dustin Hoffman to the Best Picture’s end.

Offensive Line - Let’s see, can I find 5 Cruise flicks that were slow and clunky (but still may have been decent)? Sure I can! I nominate Brian Flanagan (Cocktail), Ethan Hunt: The Sequel (MI:2), Cole Trickle (Days of Thunder), Ray Ferrier (War of the Worlds), and Bill Harford (Eyes Wide Shut). Mission accomplished.

Tight End – The tight end position has dual roles. He needs to know how to block and how to receive. Why not pick a movie that Tom Cruise also pulled double duty? How about the T.C. produced Last Samurai, Nathan Algren?

Wide Receivers - Thanks to T.O., Chad, and Keyshawn, receivers need to be brash, bold personalities who don’t adhere to rules. In this two wideout set, Coach Gibbs will have to find a way to wrangle loose cannons Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (Top Gun) and Vincent Lauria (Color of Money.)

Shortest receivers EVER.