On Your Feet...

You better sit down for this one.

As part of my great office relocation proclamation, I forgot to mention that said move entitled me to a change in furniture. Gone are the days of having my desk affixed to my walls, and here to stay is the era of an actual desk, independent of the space in which it is confined. And since my office chair had gotten so beat up, I was offered a pick of any other office chair in the spare conference room on the 3rd floor.

Granted, they are all the same model as my current one, but they look shinier. I’ll take it.

But this begs the question, “If you could have any chair in the world, what chair would it be?” You see, chairs are no longer meaningless pieces of furniture, strewn about in a larger collection, destined to be overlooked in favor of the almighty Couch. My HS Physics teacher, Mr. Gasior, even tried to coin the term “chair” to refer to something that is cool or awesome. Granted, Gasior was a weird guy, but that won’t prevent YAB from presenting our all-inclusive list of…

Top Ten Chairs
(in ascending order of greatness, of course)

10. Beach Chair – Yes, this one wasn’t exactly designed for comfort, but that’s not what ekes the Beach Chair onto the list. If you are sitting in a Beach Chair, there’s a damn good chance you’re on vacation. And if you’re on vacation, it doesn’t matter that you can’t reach your desk from the Beach Chair. Yeah, they’re garishly designed and completely useless in any other setting, but without it, you can expect a 63% increase of sand in thy shorts.

9. Director’s Chair – You’re not going to find this one at an Ergonomic Convention either, but then again, if you’re attending an Ergonomic Convention – Congratulations – you have front-row seats to something I just made up. More seriously, the director’s chair indicates that you’re in charge of some sort of artistic production – whether it be film or theater. And no worries about having to invoke Shotgun or the 5 Minute Rule for this seat – that baby’s got your name tattooed on it, eliminating all confusion.

8. Season Tickets – When you purchase season tickets to your favorite sports team, what you actually doing is reserving the same chair for every game for the entire season. It doesn’t really matter if you’ve reserved a spot o’ bench (a la University of Michigan) or a plush box suite seat (a la the Wachovia Center), you’ve got the whole thing just to yourself – even if you plan to only use the edge of it.

7. Executive Chair – What I was really hoping to find in that conference room on 3. Yes, that tall-back, extra-plush, jet-black, leather chair that your boss sits in checks in here at number 7. In order to attain such a luxurious seat, you’ve probably had to work your way up the corporate ladder. And climbing a ladder isn’t as fun as your remember it being when you were 12. They’re better be a chair that’s comfortable when you get to the top.

6. Wheelchair – It serves as an incredible tool for those who are no longer able to walk, and on its medicinal accomplishments, it would make our list. Nothing really funny to say here, out of fear of disrespect. So to fill, we’ll just point out Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” is 224 pages. The magazine Time averages 82. Hmm.

5. First Class – After being on 4 different round-trip flights since March, it’s no secret that a person of my height would rather slam their head in the door of the overhead compartment than opt for a non-exit row seat in Coach. And no matter how ramped up you’ve gotten for the in-flight peanuts or getting to watch King Kong on the TVs, you’re decimated to sadness when you board the plane and see spread-out, all-leather first-class seats to your left. Before you turn right to transportation hell. (Upside: at least there’s no snakes.)

4. Adirondack Chair – The complete opposite of a middle seat in coach. High-back, nicely reclines, and outdoorsy without feeling like a stupid lawn chair. However, as I learned when purchasing two from Bed, Bath, and Beyond three years ago, they do NOT easily fit into the back of a Honda Accord. (This led to a sheepish returning of the chairs which I’d rather not re-live.)

3. Recliner – Might be the most comfortable chair on the list. I believe that every household should contain a recliner – leather if possible. Not only will the stresses of the working grind melt away as you place your head on its softness, it can also serve as a fun gameboard. The spring-loaded footrest can serve as an excellent catapult, you know.

2. Throne – If you have this, you probably rule.

1. Massage Chair – Does anyone actually buy merchandise from Brookstone, or are the free massages from their display room chairs the only reason people come in those stores? Don’t get me wrong; there’s probably a thriving market for a all-in-one laser alarm clock-golf ball locator-meat thermometer, but if you sit down in one of these and grab the remote – you’ll know why they get the gold.

BONUS – Worst Chair Ever for the 18th consecutive year: Electric.