Can't Even Leave the Water Running

In track and field news, it appears that steroids has gotten the best of yet another promising American athlete. Yes, the issue that has left other pro sports crestfallen has robbed track of yet another hero. As long as we can remember, Rob Harfor- … wait a minute …

Ok, who told the fact checkers that they could have a vacation?

As long as we can remember, Justin Gatlin (much better) has had his eyes on the prize of being considered the World’s Fastest Man. Running the sprint of all sprints, the 100 meters, he was running it in under 10 seconds by his sophomore year at Tennessee. And this coming from a guy who spent his formative high school years as a high hurdler (See Rob? You could have been a contender.) He has a medal of each color from the 2004 Athens Olympics, including gold in the 100m, and now holds the current world record, dashing it in 9.77 seconds.

Well, he held the current world record, anyways.

Gatlin’s record has been wiped clean, as he has been found guilty of doping. Nothing he has ever achieved in the world of track and field (not even when he pulled freshman hurdle duty) counts any longer. Because not only has the past been ruined for him, so has his future – the USADA has banned him for the next 8 years.

Justin Gatlin can’t run for the next eight years.

Just think about that. The obvious is well, obvious. You’re not going to see Gatlin in a Scott Lightfoot speedsuit or burning around the track oval anytime soon. But that’s the least of his problems. An independent Track and Field agency has banned him from running. Period.

If he even thinks about move his legs at any velocity or frequency greater than “walk,” he’s breaking the rules. Next time Mr. Gatlin steps outside his door to see the bus pulling away, he either has to skip to the bus or find another way to get to work. There will be no running after public transportation in his future. God, what happens if it’s raining out? He better have an umbrella; no running for cover will be tolerated. Being chased by a robber, Justin? Learn to stand and fight – for the next eight years.

Also, it should be noted that Gatlin has made a living by using his body. He’s prided himself on being in the best of shape. Guess what? Your training regimen is going to have to change. If you set that treadmill above 4 miles per hour, enjoy that pre-programmed electric shock the USADA has installed. Better say hello to your new friend, Nordictrack. Enjoy.

In terms of a new career, we’ll admit, the future for the 24 year-old Gatlin is wide open. As long as he doesn’t seek civic duty – even if he were old enough to hold an elected position, running for office is strictly prohibited. And get used to working the Man as well – running your own business is right out. Enjoy being a middle manager there, bud. And if you do choose to play for your company’s slowpitch softball team and your Olympic-toned arms crush the ball over the fence, enjoy a nice Home Walk. And be humble about it, too – running your mouth to the ump won’t only not change the call, it may add years to your ban.

And for God’s sake, if someone calls to ask if your refrigerator’s running, it’s not a prank call. It’s the USADA, checking up on you.

You can hide, but you can't run.