Kickin' It Olfactory

I’m not a big fan of the sense of smell. It’s nothing against our Creator, really; just for every great smell out there there’s something else tenfold that makes me want to avoid using my nose at all costs. I understand that smell serves as an excellent wingman to its neighbor, taste, but I’d almost go on the record as saying I’d rather live a life without smell if it were at all possible.Yeah. Almost.

You see, the five senses form an incredible unit that allow you, as a living being, the ability to take in and understand, judge and anticipate your environmental surroundings. You know what, I smell a casting coming on…hold on…

YAB’s Spontaneous Casting of the 5 Senses as if They Were the Members of Captain Planet’s Crew:

Taste – Wheeler – The wise-cracker has to be the mouth. Duh.
Sight – Linka – The crazy Russian chick was in charge of the wind, much like Storm from the X-Men. And as Storm taught us, it’s all in the eyes. (Of course, Storm also taught us, Catwoman is a terrible film idea. Anywho…)
Touch – Kwame – it’s touching that Kwame was able to find work after the good Captain’s crusade faced cancellation. He was re-born as a member of the Burger King Kids Club. Didn’t even have time to change socks.
Hearing – Gi – What’s that I hear? Requisite Asian stereotype inclusion character? Yes!!!
Smell – Ma-ti – Like I said, a complete waste. Heart? Really? Your power is…heart? (Note, there are no pictures on the internet of Ma-ti. Heartless technology is to blame.)

So, like I said, I would just about be ready to ban the sacred sense of smell, if not for two overwhelmingly excellent scents that managed to keep the nose with a stay of execution. These smells cannot be found in the laboratories of some ritzy perfume laboratory, nor can they be found in the most lush of botanical gardens. So for all those who have been attempting to make a lucrative living by harnessing the power of smell, you’ve overlooked it all. The best two scents on the entire planet are as follows:

1) Cherry-flavored ChapStick – Seriously, why the heck hasn’t Yankee Candle harnessed this smell yet? You cannot, repeat, CANNOT look cool putting on ChapStick, guys. So if you must, you might as well pick one which has the aroma of the gods attached.

2) Cinnabon – Yes, one of the two best smells on Earth has been relegated to eternal servitude in your local mall or interstate rest stop. How is this possible? The ambient aroma of a fresh-baked Cinnabon should be bottled and sold to the highest bidder. Instead, it finds itself competing for airspace against Nathan’s damn hot dogs, and whatever the hell that shifty gyro place next to The Gap is grilling up. For further information on the most delightful of pastries, educate yourself here.