The Haley Double

Just another story of a Hollywood kid with too much money? You be the judge.

When the story first broke that Haley Joel Osment had been in a car accident last month, YAB longed to cover the story for you all. However, it was in the midst of the “Holy Hell, was this We Didn’t Start the Fire project a trainwreck of an idea or What??” phase at YAB, and the days passed with little mention of H.J.O. Had we covered it the next week, that would have made Thirdhand News. And everybody knows that people don’t have three hands. Chuck Norris might, though.

But now we have reason to further explore the crimes and misdemeanors of everyone’s favorite Secondhand Lion (sorry, Robert Duvall.) As CNN has reported in the past, it is true that Osment slammed into a mailbox and flipped over at about 1am in his 1995 Saturn while driving home alone. There are so many interesting questions concerning the actual incident – here are a few…

1. How does an Oscar nominated actor so early in his career drive a 1995 Saturn? I could understand if this was a story about a one-shot kid wonder (Jonathan Lipnicki, for example) But come on? A ’95 Saturn? Unless you’re wheeling around in it because it was the first Saturn ever and therefore “vintage,” surely you can afford something sweeter. Malcom in the Middle is tooling around in a Porsche, good God.
2. What do they make mailboxes out of in California that causes enormous machines (cough, Saturn) to strike them and end up upside-down in shattered? Is it that the construction of the mailbox is a composite blend of concrete, titanium, and kryptonite? Or does this particular resident order anvils and free weights from Amazon.com for a living? When I was 7 I ran into a mailbox while riding my bicycle, using my face as a point of impact. Thank God I wasn’t pedaling on the West Coast. I could be dead by now.
3. Osment is all of as sudden 18 years old. How did that happen? I mean, geez, I know Van der Beek was like 47 during Dawson’s Creek, and that Hollywood in general has a way with screwing with people’s ages, but Forrest Gump’s kid is ready to go to college? (Does that make him a legacy at the University of Alabama?)
   

Anyways, as the article states, it is now being revealed that young HaJo was under the influence of alcohol and had a small amount of marijuana in his vehicle at the time of the wreck. (Granted after flipping in a Saturn, it’s a wonder he was able to keep said influence in his stomach.) So yes, add young Master Osment to the group of troubled teen stars. He’s made some poor choices (not even considering the Country Bears) and now he’s going to learn. But after all, doesn’t alcohol consumption, pot possession, and reckless endangerment seem like trifling problems compared to the other monkey on his back we’re all forgetting?

He sees dead people.

Yeah, that’d force me to do crazy things like drink underage, too.

Not crazy enough to drive a Saturn, but close.