Train Wreck

You know those hypothetical “What If” questions that are thrown about at parties or on long car trips? I’m a big fan of ‘em. And no matter what, it seems that Dream Jobs always come up. And for some reason, I shun every other interest I have in this world and answer with the same response every time.

Singer/Songwriter.

And then, immediately after proclaiming said profession, I explain myself. I actually do not want to be a singer/songwriter, as the slim chances of fame, the life on the road, and the life of playing late-night concerts and making small talk with Regis and Kelly doesn’t excite me in the least. Turns out, I just want to have the talent to write songs. And that means I’ve totally botched the question in the process of this revelation.

However, as my parody past has indicated, I can do the lyrics half of songwriting. That comes pretty easy. It’s the musical chord progressions that I have not the talent for. Regardless, the parody background, in my opinion, gives me the authority to write this scathing review you see below.

A while back, we here at YAB tore through the worst lyrical song of all time, LFO’s Summer Girls. And it’s nice to see that the folks at the Phoenix backed us up on it, naming it the second worst song lyric of all time (Yes, the whole song.) Well, now it’s time to add our own #2 to the list. Welcome to the club, Drops of Jupiter.

Yes, some will say it is beautiful poetry (Toms?) and others will say Train’s Pat Monahan wrote as a tribute to his recently deceased mother. Well, I’m sorry Pat. No disrespect, but this song is the equivalent of the horridly ugly drawing you did as a kid that you wanted your parents to put on the fridge, but they cleverly found a way to overlap the calendar on top of it to obscure it from view.

Here are Train’s Top Ten “I want to break a guitar over the songwriter’s head” Worst Lyrics Ever.

1. She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo. Reminds me that there’s time to grow. – Ok, if I recall from Billy Blank incessant infomercials, Tae-Bo was an kickboxing-aerobics program set to music. And more than likely, it had to be music with a dance beat. Which means one thing – whoever he’s talking about SUCKED at Tae-Bo.

2. She acts like summer and walks like rain . Reminds me that there’s time to change. -- Forget that Classical Kickboxing (see No. 1) reminds him that there’s time to grow. I can poetically appreciate acting like a season, sure, but walking like rain? What does that mean? And how would it remind me that it’s not too late to alter my life’s decisions?

3. She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey. – Oh, so you can act like summer, but only if you take the time to listen like its preceding season. God, I hope he’s referring to a person named June. Otherwise I’m going to have to blog like January to make him and everyone else depressed.

4. And that heaven is overrated – It’s not an awful lyric, but since he throws it in to finish a stanza, it’s not good, either. Besides, I always thought he sad “Van Halen is overrated.” Which in that case I tend to agree with him.

5. Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land. - This is where some proofreading might’ve helped, Train. He was so afraid to fly that what he did in response was to take a course of action that caused him to fly for the rest of eternity. Yep, that seems to check out.

6. And head back to the Milky Way (3x) – Oh, so whoever this Tae-Bo rookie is, she’s an alien. That makes me feel better. Humans wouldn’t have to head back; we’re already here.

7. Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken – LFO lyric influence alert. LFO lyric influence alert. LFO lyric influence alert. Random does not a song make.

8. Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversation – Ok, let’s see grammarholics, the noun in this sentence is the phone conversation. On a separate piece of paper please tell me how the following words modify the phone conversation: first dance, freeze-dried romance. Go.

9. Did Venus blow your mind? – Either Train was trying to gauge the she-alien’s interest in tennis or threw in more intergalactic buzzwords to appease the extra-terrestrial. Which in that case, Venus probably didn’t blow her mind.

10. The best soy latte you ever had…and me. – Yes, and I hear Chinese food made him sick.