122 Minutes to Go...

Yes, last week we wasted your time by preaching about how March Madness doesn’t waste your time. In our research on said topic, we came upon this interesting article, and decided it was important information that you all should know. Or at the very least, it was important information that we all should mock. Eh, same difference around here.

According to a survey that was conducted in tandem by Salary.com and AOL (the former a guru’s guide to worker’s compensation and the latter being the Rich Kotite of internet service providers), the average worker spends 2.09 hours out their 8-hour workday not actually doing work. I know what you’re thinking – “What if I work more than 8 hours a day, does that mean I’m being more productive?” No, Slackerman, you’re just wasting a comparable ratio amount of time. A 9-hour workday yields 2.35 hours of wasted time. A 10-hour day gives you 2.62 hours to space out. An 11-hour day? Good God, man. Go home already. Your dinner is cold.

2.09 hours may seem like a strange, non-standard way to measure time, so I’ll take one for the team and do the calculation. (scratches head) (carries the 2) (checks his work) (declares himself a math god)

That’s 2 hours, 5 minutes, and 24 seconds.

What does this mean? In order to stay on par with the rest of America, you need to waste 2 hours and 5 minutes of this workday. Any more, and I’ll sign you up for the Penske file. Any less, and I’ll make sure your co-workers snicker and call you a teacher’s pet.

But Condon, however will I waste so much time? Good question, hypothetical reader query guy! I’ll give you 4 choices as to how to waste 2 hours and 5 minutes.

1.) Watch Mrs. Doubtfire in entirety.
2.) Watch Batman and Robin in entirety.
3.) Watch Ocean’s 12 in entirety.
4.) Split the time evenly as per the national averages.

Yes, the article goes on to breakout how their survey takers spend their work time when it’s not time for work. Using simple logic, one can fathom that these percentages aren’t just the answers’ varying levels of popularity – no, no. We will assume that each American worker does ALL of these during the day, and the pie chart of 100% can be applied to the 2 hours and 5 minutes of playtime.

Confused? Keep reading.

1. Surfing the Internet accounts for 44.7% of the time people waste. That would amount to 56 minutes of the 125. Seem high? Yeah, it might be. But remember this about the Internet. Consider the time you spend here, checking your Gmail, watching YouTube, reading the news, looking at box scores, shopping for grills from pro baseball players, and other miscellaneous Yahoo! Searches, I’m sure that time goes by fast.
2. Socializing with Co-workers for 23.4%? That’s 29 minutes. Ah, the all-important water cooler talk. When will you people stopping shooting the breeze about the weather and weekend plans and instead actually discuss the mechanics and artistry of the actual water cooler? A truly unappreciated office fixture.
3. Conducting personal business for 8 minutes? Whether it’s scheduling a doctor’s appointment for the kid, paying your bills online, or running a counterfeit jeans ring out of your car-hole, it’s good you have a little “me time.”
4. Spacing Out – 3.9% means 5 minutes of staring at the wall. For 1 of those minutes you’re contemplating why you’ve never put anything on that wall, and the other 4 you have that song from Tetris stuck in your head. Good for you.
5. Running errands off-premise – 2.3%? 3 minutes? Sure, if your dry cleaner set up shop just outside the lobby and you’re a world-class sprinter. Totally feasible. (Note: are Spandex bodysuits dry clean only?)
6. Applying for other jobs – 1.625 minutes. Ah, 1 minute and 37 seconds dreaming of greener pastures. God, you have a short attention span.
7. Planning Personal Events – 1% = 1 minute and 15 seconds. This is why Evite was invented.
8. Other – 13.5% - Hey, who are we to tell you what to do with the last 17 minutes? Eat something. You look famished.