Sacramentally Insane

Say what you will about God: He sure does plan for the long-run.

Much of Christianity is based on a set of common events in which its believers can receive signs of inward grace called sacraments. These sacraments are considered to be instituted by Jesus Christ himself – things that He did in his time that you too can do in your time in order to be closer to God.

Consider them a prophetic set of cut-the-line passes.

Yes, through the use of these sacraments you can be on the receiving end of a special blessing as a thank you from the Almighty for your continued support of his rule over all existence. (Way better than a politician bumper sticker, in my opinion.) Hey, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a sense of enlightenment regarding His teachings in the process. You should be proud to be a recipient of a holy sacrament. You don’t even have to do something outlandish to receive it.

That’s where the forethought of God comes in.

This past weekend, we held a baptism for our daughter, Clara. It was a beautiful ceremony at our church in Fairfax, and a reception followed shortly thereafter so that we could show our appreciation to you all for the support of the Most Documented Human on Earth. What might you remember of your Baptism? The actions are probably memorable – it probably involved all the big people in the room ganging up on the tiniest people in the room and dousing her with cold water. In action, you’re absolutely right. But what’s more?

Baptism is a sacrament.

This is where God called His shot eons ago. He wanted a way to honor those who were ready to enter his Kingdom and figured, “Hey, it should be a ceremony of some kind. I need to come up with a symbolic way to show the removal of original sin and the following vibrancy of a newfound Christian. Hmm…what to do?” (Drumming his fingers on his desk caused the Great Earthquake of 241 BC.)

This is why I’m thankful that God took the time to plan something symbolic and clever. By the use of water, it symbolizes the washing away of original sin, allowing the newly baptized to lead a new life, clean and new. Now what if some of God’s other ideas, which ended up on the cutting room floor, had been used for the sacrament of Baptism?

What if he thought we should do jumping jacks? Or hold a heavy stone over our heads? Or be able to list the world’s capitals alphabetically in under two minutes? God charged himself with coming up with something that would stand the test of time – a protocol that would be as practical and relevant on Day 1 of the church as it would be on Day – um – Eleventy Billion.

Let’s review some of those other scenarios, shall we? Jumping jacks for the vanquishing of original sin? First off, babies don’t jump so high, and secondly, the name Jack wouldn’t come into existence until the Old English got their hands on the Hebrew name John. And aside from the physical limitations many true believers have from lifting heavy stones over their heads, some might not know when to put them down, prolonging baptisms until everybody’s out of film. Oh, and the world capital test? It would have been way easier to pass that one when the world consisted of two or three empires. That’s not fair for us moderns. Besides I bet none of you know the capital of Lesotho of the top of you heads.

God came up with the pouring of water, the spoke rite, and the sign of the cross in place of all those crazy sacramental ideas. I guess He’s telling us something else with Baptism.

The Earth will always have water.

Humans will always have heads.

(Note: It’s a good thing God was all about the pre-planning. I suspect if He was designing Holy Communion today, He would have dropped bread from the equation in favor of Hot Pockets. I hear He loves them.)