How to Make a White Car Red

Not all Samaritans are good. Some are just indecisive.

I firmly believe that everyone deep down inside has inherent desire to do good. I remember in high school we had a unit in World Cultures where we debated the platforms of famous philosophers (yes, the unit that spawned the John Locke video), and the first litmus test was whether or not “Man is inherently good” or “Man is inherently evil.” Of course, I had World Cultures right before lunchtime, therefore my only contribution was “Man is inherently hungry.”

I wasn’t much help, in retrospect.

I was driving into work this morning, on my usual route in my usual car listening to my usual radio station. It should have been like any other morning drive – killing time keeping track of how many lights I make (I shoot for 70%) – and even though I was running a little bit late, there was no need to panic. However, I did notice that even a 10 minute delay in my commute brings forth a completely different set of traffic conditions. There are different cars and different traffic light patterns to contend with.

And as it turns out, this breed of fellow commuters are stupider.

On a route like downtown Vienna’s Chain Bridge Road, you have to accept the fact that the road is lined with retail businesses. And with retail businesses, cars are going to exit and enter Chain Bridge whether you like it or not. Let them in; for one day you will need to be let in. You never know when you might be in need of an early bird hair styling or key duplication.

Or a drink.

Such was the case of the driver of a white Pontiac Sunfire (I don't know but it's white!) I followed to work this morning. He made his pit stop at 7-11, and then pulled out onto Chain Bridge, as I was kind of enough to allow him to do so. His car had few distinguishing marks, other than a Virginia Tech sticker in the back window. Oh yeah, one other thing.

THREE BEVERAGES ON THE ROOF.

Yes, the driver who was probably inside his car enjoying a hot cup of coffee managed to forget to bring 2 Slurpees and another coffee inside the vehicle. And as he amazingly made the transition from parking lot to roadway without loss of liquid, I now stood at an ethical crossroads. But before I could cross said roads, let’s ask a few quick questions.

• What distracted this guy so much that forget about three beverages that he had placed on the roof??? I assume he had to put them down to fish his keys out of his pocket. Or perhaps someone called his cell phone and upon answering it he forgot? These weren’t in one of those fancy cardboard cup carriers either, which means he had to go through a great deal to get them from the counter to the car. Clearly, this man has no short-term memory.
• Oh yeah. Who gets a Slurpee for breakfast?

Anyways, back to my crux. I followed this car for one block, and nothing fell from the roof of his car. Should I tell him that he’s got copious amounts of refreshment up above or watch in amazement as momentum is no foe to misplaced 7-11 drinks?

Here's the thing - even if I wanted to be a Good Samaritan and let him know of his impending doom, what could I possibly do? There's no special honk that my horn can emit that means, "Dude, you totally left your drinks on top of your car." Nor do I know Morse Code to inform him via headlight. (By the time I got through that whole phrase, I'm sure he'd assume I'm a psycho, anyway.) And there's no way I'm getting out of this car - the minute the light turns green, I'm everyone's worst enemy. And why should I be a martyr for this Hokie's idiocy?

Look, I don't want to be a hero, but if I'm going to do this next time, I demand a finder's fee. I want one of the Slurpees to myself. Is that fair?

(Postscript: For those who actually care how this ended, the guy realized his horrible mistake two traffic lights later when one of the Slurpees rolled down his windshield. Rather than get out of the car to rescue the two remaining items, he rolled down his window and felt around the roof, proceeding to knock the other two over in the process. You stay classy, Sunfire.)