TR is Rushmore's Sunderland

Forget the 2008 Presidential Race. I’d like to hold a Special Election to promote a former President to acclaimed status.

As it currently stands, Mount Rushmore contains the stately heads of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Theodore Roosevelt. This quartet served as the inspiration for the Washington Nationals’ Presidents Race for the 2006 season at RFK. Similar to the mighty sausage drag race of Wisconsin, the Presidents Race of RFK has Nats’ staffers inside the costumes of our former heads of state, as they race from the right field foul pole to a finish line in front of the dugout.

Here’s the Fab Four.

However, it has become local lore that while 3 of our former Commanders-in-Chief started their mornings in the White House with a brisk jog, one lags horribly behind. That’s right, Nats fans – TR is slower than Nick Johnson’s recovery from his broken leg. With one season plus one game in the books, Teddy Roosevelt has NEVER, EVER won the Presidents Race.

After being an also-ran for 81 games last year, the Nats’ management even devised a way for TR to cheat his way to an Opening Day victory yesterday, during Washington’s 9-2 loss to the Marlins. An inning prior to the great race, a certain 26th President of the United States appeared to be contemplating suicide, as he stood high above the field. While his peculiar placement drew the park’s interest away from Hanley Ramirez’s sick opening day, it did nothing to assuage the fears that he’d take a flying leap down to the pavement.

No, he had other plans in mind.

Over the reign of Theodore Roosevelt, historians have had many exciting tales to lament and ultimately, exaggerate in middle school textbooks. There was that time he left the country to round up animals for the Smithsonian on an African safari, and killed a bear using only his teeth. He got the idea of having a Great White Naval Fleet playing with his tub toys – a practice later attempted by Taft – this is why he got stuck. And now, Teddy Roosevelt has learned to fly.

For those too lazy to click through to the accompanying YouTube video, Captain Big Stick leapt from the roof of RFK and utilized a zip line to zoom ahead of mere bipedal Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln. He surged out to a commanding lead over his rivals. 2007 could be HIS year. However, in order to win the race, TR would have to land and finish the final few steps on foot. His landing was far from graceful – as he fell on his back in shame, the other three sped by. Same old result.

So what should we do with a foam representation of a former President whose ethics are now called largely into question? Impeach him posthumously? Nay.

Send him to the minors.

I know we broke free of Great Britain for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but I feel that we can still learn from our former rulers. In their English Premier League, any team deemed to be substandard, or unable to keep up with the level of competition the rest of the league is exhibiting, they are demoted to the Football League Championship. Each year, three teams go down, and three teams come up. This encourages teams to not phone it in (as Washington may be threatening to do in ’07), as well as give teams from other origins a chance to compete on the main stage.

Wouldn’t this be PERFECT for the Presidents Race?

After last year, TR would get demoted for a year, and seek reinstatement next off-season. In the meantime, a new challenger would enter the fray and take on the other Fathers of our Country for this season.

I leave it to the YAB Readership YAB for Presidential suggestions.