What's Next? Ewok Policemen?

Looking to track a package from Amazon the other day, I stumbled onto something. Something big. Something that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Over the years, Lucasfilm’s Star Wars series has been supreme ruler of the movie merchandising kingdom. From the highly lucrative Kenner action figures from the early eighties to the Star Wars Pepsi cans of ’99, a lot of product has been sold just because the Force may or may not be packaged with it. (I still have my set at my parents’ house in Jersey – Smith’s, I believe have since gone off like a carbonated fireworks display.)

And even though the final prequel is in our rearview (by two years), it appears that George Lucas is having trouble paying his power bill. (Rumor has it he flies a electric X-Wing, and that will kill you every time.) How do we know this? Because he’s fired up his cross-promotion light saber, and this time, he’s teaming up with the U.S. Postal Service.

Former spokesman Lance Armstrong did not immediately return a phone call.

When you go to the USPS homepage, important information like “Send Direct Mail” and how to have your mail held while on vacation are obscured from view. Why? Because R2-D2 is taking his wicked sweet time crossing your computer screen. He’s in no hurry to make it to his final destination: the banner on the page that proudly declares: Two Powerful Forces Unite!

No, not UPS and FedEx.

Look, I’m a big fan of living in a country that has its own government-owned postal service. This is something I have no problem paying taxes for. I know there has been recent criticism that with the improvement of private mailing firms and the Internet, postal correspondence is on the decline. Look, I do my part by churning through Netflix movies. Apparently, that’s not enough. The USPS has called in the big guns.

Why they all put on orange jumpsuits for this staff meeting is beyond me.

After doing a little research, I found the first step of what Star Wars plans on doing for the United States Postal Service. In about 400 nationwide locations, this will be replaced by this. The R2-D2 mailbox will perform the same mail collection duties its non-droid predecessor did. However, if your expecting it to make cool beeping sounds upon acceptance of mail, you’ll be sadly mistaken. (Just make the sounds to yourself. We won’t laugh.)

However, we here at YAB have to question their choice of droid for such an important task. Does anyone remember the first time we saw R2-D2 try and deliver mail? It was a letter from a L. Organa and address to a B. Kenobi, and it had a simple message. There was probably a whole lot more, but a certain member of the Rebel Alliance Postal Service damaged the letter in transit. It was unclear, incomplete, and well, repetitive. Sure, one could argue that not snow nor rain nor ice nor Empire Destroyer could stop the mail from getting through; however, if its damaged in transit, can we really be happy with the service we’ve paid for? It’s R2-D2’s fault. It seems to me that C-3PO would make a much better mail carrier. God, he could even translate correspondence using his fluency in 6 million forms of communication – what a bonus! Look, I like what the USPS is trying to do here. I just have a problem with the hiring practices.

Here is my list of Top Three Star Wars Characters I’d Like to Be My Mailman

1. Chewbacca – no dog is going to bother him.
2. Obi-Wan Kenobi – A true Jedi mind. “This is not the junk mail you’re looking for.”
3. Imperial Scout Trooper – God, what a sweet ride for a mail truck.