Hot Corner Cinema, Part 1

You may recall that in lieu of a 2004-2005 NHL season, we were forced to get our hockey fix elsewhere. This was the reason for forming our Cinematic All-Star Pro Hockey Team. Looking back almost three years and re-reading it now, here are some thoughts that come to mind.

• There just haven’t been that many hockey movies. Outside of any movies involving ducks with super-strength, we count about 5 true hockey flicks. We had to reach a bit to include Happy Gilmore, for the love of Saku Koivu.
• The lack of hockey movies provided a talent pool so thin that we accepted Mike Modano as our third-line center. For those who don’t recall, he had a brief came alongside Basil McRae in the first Duck movie. About 12 seconds of screen time.
• Charlie Conway was left off. This STILL pleases us.

When the Mets do battle with the Cardinals this Sunday, the 2006 Major League Baseball season will be upon us. And with that, we’ve decided to unveil a far more impressive team in our franchise stable, the YAB Cinematic All-Star Pro Baseball Team. Here were our rules this time around.

• No Cameos. MLB tends to cooperate with Hollywood, so pro players end up in movies all the time. You could form a team of just them, and hell, maybe some day we will. In the meantime, there won’t be Mike Modanos on this squad.
• No Hall of Famers - more than likely if you are the focus of a movie - Pride of the Yankees, Babe, that one about Grover Cleveland Alexander - you were probably damn good. Cheating. Not in the Hall? We’ll consider you.
  No more than 3 players from any one movie (including sequels)
  

Starting Lineup

1. 3B – Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – The Sandlot – In the movie, Benny always seemed to be hitting batting practice to the rest of the guys, so we never really know his true position. However, we have no doubt he can play them all. Therefore, we see him as an A-Rod, but with more speed. (Mike Vitar, the actor, is the only guy to make both our baseball and hockey teams.)
2. CF – Bobby Rayburn – The Fan – The first of two actors with multiple lockers. Snipes plays the total package in center here, and is a mirror image of another San Francisco Giant who can belt homers and wears an earring. But 6 hat sizes smaller.
3. SS – Joe Hardy – Damn Yankees! – The slugger who made a deal with the devil, this Senator might be the closest a Washington ball player gets to an all-star team this year. When Katie directed this musical back in 2003, she had me pen a parody of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy for the show to be about Hardy. (It rules to hear other people perform your lyrics.)
4. RF – Pedro Cerrano – Major League – There’s a clear distinction between Cerrano in the first movie and Cerrano in the second movie. We’re picking Cerrano #1 here. If my starting right fielder ever ran outside of the base paths to help a fallen bird he hit with a line drive, it would be Back to the Minors with him. Oh, Jobu!
5. LF – Shoeless Joe Jackson – Field of Dreams – The nice thing about making the rules? You get to make the loopholes, too. The heart and soul of my favorite baseball movie.
6. C – Dottie Hinson – A League of their Own – I don’t care if she plays ball like a girl. She’s a power-hitting catcher with flexibility, the mindset to cool off hot-tempered pitchers, and is a true leader in the clubhouse. As an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as Mike Piazza. Almost.
7. 1B – Jack Elliot – Mr. Baseball – How did one of the most important positions in baseball, from a hitter’s perspective get so overlooked in film? I guess there’s not a whole lot a player can do in the climactic scene of a baseball flick from first, other than catch the final out after a brilliant diving stab from the shortstop, but really? I’ve got Mr. Baseball in the starting lineup?
8. 2B – Marla Hooch – A League of their Own – the best true contact hitter on the team. Not much of a singer, we hear.
9. P – Roy Hobbs – The Natural – Again, another star at the plate who we don’t see much other than in the dugout or circling the basis, The Natural proves that he’s the best pitcher on my staff in the early scene in the movie where he sends the Babe Ruth-like guy home swinging on three pitches. Not a guaranteed out, like most pitchers. Wonderboys for everybody.
   

Postional Bench Players
1B – Lou Collins – Little Big League – Yeah, when I’m trying to cast a star ball player for my movie, the first actor that comes to my mind is totally…Timothy Busfield? Personally, I thought they’d never let him near another field after he played such a huge prick in Field of Dreams. Like I said, 1B is WEAK.
C – Crash Davis – Bull Durham – Face it. He’s a minor league catcher on the decline of his career, but he brings certain intangibles to this team that few others can. He has a mentoring relationship with one of our starting pitchers, and no all-star baseball team would be complete without at least two appearances by Kevin Costner. I swear, he pitches movies as adventure-romance epics, and then when he gets the funding, he pulls out a diamond story.
OF – Archibald “Moonlight” Graham – Field of Dreams – Graham, a real player, never got an at-bat in a major league game. Which is to say, Graham is the one player on this team who will never ground into a double play, strike out, fly out, ground out, or pop out. No one has ever gotten him out, and we assume that to be true going forward.
2B – Denny Hemmerling – Angels in the Outfield – Scrappy middle infielder played by Academy Award winner Adrien Brody. Aside from the ridiculous play where the ball off of Denny’s bat never leaves the infield, yet eludes the fielders 20-something times while the speedster rounds the bases, he’s primarily going to be a pinch runner and defensive replacement.
OF – Stan Ross – Mr. 3000 – Bernie Mac has locker room presence. Bernie Mac brings the funny. Bernie Mac has magic powers. How else do you explain a movie that centers around the Milwaukee Brewers?
OF – Willie Mays Hayes – Major League – Is it just me, or does he look a LOT different in the second movie? And I’m not just talking about that power stroke, either.

Pitchers to follow later.