Hot Corner Cinema, Part 2

Ok, before we unveil the arms of the team, some notes on Part 1.

• As Spud deftly pointed out, Roy Hobbs was actually a right fielder in The Natural. After the gunshot to the arm, he didn’t have the strength to pitch in the majors. I’ll keep on the pitching staff, though, as we hearken back to the times when all nine positional players could swing the bat, long before the DH rule tainted the American League. So rather than having a Brett Myers (2 hits in 63 AB last season,) Hobbs pitches.
• This roster says an awful lot about what we like from our baseball flicks. Face it, there’s nothing interesting about an infielder who makes routine plays in the field. If anywhere in the infield, we make movies about catchers. In the field, they participate in every play, engage in witty banter with opposing hitters, and it’s okay for them to be a little out of shape, and thus, endearing. While we took Dottie and Crash, we had to cut Major League’s Jake Taylor, The Sandlot’s Ham Porter, and even Summer Catch’s Billy Brubaker (Spud’s theory: Matthew Lillard makes any movie better. And trust me, Summer Catch needs all the help it can get.)

Let’s get ready to hurl. (Ok, that sounded WAY better before I typed it.)

Starting Rotation:
Roy Hobbs – The Natural – Like I said yesterday, he gets this spot because he took down the biggest hitter in the league, The Whammer, on three pitches. And then, the movie ends up being about his hitting, not his fastballs. Talk about multi-talented. It’s like if Ghostbusters began about Peter Venkman’s ability to capture ghastly apparitions, only to find out it’s really a movie about his ability to pull tablecloths out from under dishware. Yes, the flowers are still standing.
Nook LaLoosh – Bull Durham – A bit of a headcase, but that’s just as dangerous to the other team as it is to your own manager. He has the skills to be a part of The Show. However, they laugh at you in The Show if you wear women’s underwear. And yeah, the rose goes in the front, big guy.
Steve Nebraska – The Scout – Let’s just call this me officially getting over my hang-up that Brendan Fraser is a bad actor. (He just chooses projects terribly.) A tall righty whose claim to fame if winning the World Series by pitching a perfect game, composed of 27 straight three-pitch strikeouts, Nebraska is probably the staff ace – if he can keep his head on straight. Although in that game against the Cardinals, the final batter is Ozzie Smith. I know it seems impressive, but that’s a tad anti-climactic for two reasons. If he strikes out Ozzie as the 27th batter, that means St.Louis has him batting ninth – behind the pitcher. He must be mired in a terrible slump. Oh, and Ozzie Smith isn’t exactly know for his batting prowess – he was a lifetime .262 hitter.
Billy Chapel – For the Love of the Game – For the love of the game, I’ve tried to watch this movie three times and have never stayed awake past the 10 minutes mark. Oh, and the director – you’ll never guess. Sam Raimi.
Henry Wiggen – Bang the Drum Slowly – From IMDB, it says “The story of a New York pro baseball team and two of its players. Henry Wiggen is the star pitcher and Bruce Pearson is the normal, everyday catcher who is far from the star player on the team and friend to all of his teammates. During the off-season, Bruce learns that he is terminally ill, and Henry, his only true friend, is determined to be the one person there for him during his last season with the club. The pitcher, Wiggen, was played by Michael Moriarty, who went on to do such films as Troll and The Stuff. The catcher? A young actor named Robert DeNiro.

Bullpen
Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn – Major League. Hey Red Sox, you did the right thing returning Jonathan Papelbon to the closer’s role for this upcoming season. Vaughn is living proof that sometimes closers are just meant to be closers. Or deodorant pitchmen.
Jim Morris – The Rookie – This movie should not have been good. It really should not have. And somehow, it was. Because of Morris’ age, we’ll make him a middle reliever who can still throw heat but only needs to go an inning or two to get the job done.
Amanda Whurlitzer – Bad News Bears – If Hinson is still in the game, this would be the first all-female battery in the history of Major League baseball. And if this woman is promoted, she could be the umpire. Could you imagine some intense pro player like Carlos Delgado stepping to the plate and trying to concentrate with all these women around? Guaranteed out.
Henry Rowengartner – Rookie of the Year – You know, before he loses his 120-MPH laser rocket arm and has to subject us all to the ridiculous underhanded toss his mom taught him. No offense, kid, but Ryan Howard would crush that 650 feet. Let’s hope you still got the heat, otherwise you may actually agree to be in those horrid American Pie sequels they’re churning out.
Kenny Denunez – The Sandlot – After Benny, the only player from that old ballfield to play semi-professionally. He made it to Triple-A. (Jesse Hall is a two-sport phenom.)
Ryan Dunne – Summer Catch – Freddie Prinze Jr. makes the team, but only because I had to do everything in my power to not take Tony Danza’s character from Angels in the Outfield. From Spud’s Film Critic Review: This movie contains one of the stupidest "inspirational" moments in all of film. When Danny Glover comes out to trick 57-year-old pitcher Tony Danza into believing that he will be able to strike out the league's RBI leader on his 160th pitch when he has his closer warmed up in the bullpen by telling him that "the kid sees an angel," and the whole Angels crowd stands up to do that stupid arms-waving thing. So ridiculous.