Blinding You With Science

You're A Blog: Who likes grant money? Researchers do. And when we run out of relevant stuff to research, we get things like the 2006 General Social Survey. In it, the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago (NORCBERG, for short) lets us all know who's happy with their life's work. One of the more guilds of shiny happy people? Science Technicians. Before we insist that NORCBERG's pants are on fire, we though we'd sit down and interview David Reif, a science technician of sorts. Good afternoon, Dave.

David Reif: On this Earth Day, let us remember that "Good afternoon" is a relative greeting. It all depends on where you live. For instance, parts of California are covered in smog today, and nothing good ever happens in Ohio. For us here on the East Coast, though, good afternoon indeed.

YAB:Ah, that's an excellent point, Dave. Since you did mention the void of happiness in the Bubkeye State, I have a side question. Is it really an honor for rock and roll gods like Van Halen and REM to be inducted into a Hall of Fame located in Cleveland?

DR: Well, as [Drew et al. (1995-2004) "The Drew Carey Show"] point out, Cleveland does rock.

YAB: I appreciate the official-looking annotations. Such a bold choice in an informal interview lets our readers know that you are rather edumacated. Can you tell us a little bit about your post-William and Mary science schooling?

DR: After college, I moved to Nashville for the requisite graduate education, guitar lessons, and a wife. The education and wife were easy, but the guitar research continues. My Master's thesis in Inconsequential Statistics was "A Very Multi Modal form of Modern Major General Models", and my doctoral dissertation in Genetics was "I don't believe in DNA".

YAB: While we don't have, um, the "time" to read said papers, we are sure they are very engaging. So does this make you a Doctor?

DR: Depends on whether you are wearing any pants.

YAB: Good point. Doctorally accredited or not, is it safe to assume that your current line of work can be categorized as "science technology?" (Note: if you say "No," it will render this interview completely useless, and we'll have to talk about Jane Austen novels or why breakfast cereal is Communist. You better say "Yes," damn it.)

DR: Although I am working on Jane Austen's Glastnost Flakes, I will say "yes" because I am on the formula development side. The hardest part is figuring out what I'm gonna do with all those flakes, all those flakes inside that box. You see, it's the classic scientific "humps" dilemma. I'm just building on the work of Dr. A. Morrisette.

YAB: I thought I called for a No Canadian format to this interview. That makes everyone read more slowly. So let's get the to NORCBERG's findings. As a science technician, are you insanely happy with your choice of occupations, as per the findings?

DR: Yes, "insanity" is the most appropriate word choice. My insanity for science-job is all-consuming. Sometimes, my throbbing scientific insanity makes my hands jittery, and I spill science all over my computer. Then I have to command one of my many robots to clean up.

YAB: Wait a minute – you have robots working for you??? Are they happy as science technician's technicians?

DR: No. They have been programmed to absorb all my pain and anxiety. Still, after seeing William Smith's informative iRobot documentary, I always keep plenty of human-only weapons on hand.

YAB: William Smith also was part of a movie called “Pursuit of Happyness.” When it comes to the state of euphoric glee that you and your fellow science technicians share, do you spell happiness with and "i" or a "y"?

DR: Yes. (pauses) And we certainly would never have made Wild Wild West, either.

YAB: So what exactly are you trying to tell us – the key to happiness in the workplace is Will Smith movies? If so, I'm going to give you the following scenarios, and you tell me how you would handle at work. First, your secretary thinks she's Muhammad Ali. How do you greet her in the morning?

DR: I calm her by recounting the story all about how my life got flip turned upside down. If that doesn't work, I try to slap myself out of the delusion that I have a secretary.

YAB: Ah, slaphappiness is a higher level of happiness. Forget the other scenarios, you have achieved Work Satisfaction Nirvana. In closing, what's a scientist's favorite Nirvana song?

DR: Are You Jimmy Ray?

YAB: Who wants to know? I mean no, I'm sorry. The answer as "Lithium." Dr. Reif, thanks for playing and thanks for your time.

DR: You’re an element.