Live! On Tape Delay!

As Oliver Stone could tell you, everybody likes a good conspiracy theory. There’s just something incredibly fun about finding the fatal flaw in the perfect heist of the imagination. Hell, just last week, Bill Simmons may have lowered the boom on the much-suspected NBA Draft Lottery of ’85, when the struggling big-market Knicks won the right to draft Patrick Ewing. It’s an investigative reporter’s dream shot. Nice work, Sports Guy.

Methinks there’s a flaw in your Idolatry.

Flipping back and forth with the remote last night, I watched the Phillies continue to roll over the hapless Nationals, and at the same time, the American Idol Gives Back special on Fox. Both had good causes in mind. The former further prevents Charlie Manuel from getting lynched in the town square (actually, no rope could hold Fatty McBotcherson.) The latter raised over $30 million for much-deserving charities both in Africa and in the United States. This money will go towards rebuilding the hurricane-raved areas of Louisiana, as well as buy medicine, clothing, and mosquito nets for the indigent of Africa. Oh, and there’ll probably be some money left over for wool –

To pull over the eyes of America.

Aside from AI not booting anyone to the curb this week, the FOX promos pushed its viewers to tune in, so that they may witness “the duet of a lifetime.” Fair enough. I’m 27 and with the exception of a Billy Joel-Elton John concert when I was 14, I can’t say I’ve really seen the duet of my lifetime. So in the second hour, Seacrest finally revealed that it would pair the most famous Canadian on the planet with the biggest Idol to ever hit pop music. (No, not Ruben Studdard.)

Elvis Presley.

I’m not here today to blow your doors off with the fact that Elvis Presley actually died in 1977. That is a well-known fact, and Fox would be crazy to try and make the world believe this. They acknowledged it, saying that Celine Dion “will travel back to the days of 1968” for this amazing duet. And there she was, “magically,” singing on the Idol stage with the King of Rock ‘n Roll, for all the world to see.

I’m not here to tell you they did a crappy job, either. The camera angles, moving and fading, made it appear that the hologram of Elvis Presley was true-to-life. This was far bigger than a blue screen endeavor. Celine played it up, too; looking over and watching the great one belt out a song he actually sand nearly 40 years ago. But the conspiracy doesn’t lie with whether or not FOX used an exhumed corpse or a hologram – they have readily acknowledged that. The conspiracy lies with something else.

The Magic of Television.

I have read the following press clipping in one that more place this morning:

Celine Dion made TV history in America last night when she performed live with Elvis Presley. Technology enabled the Canadian to appear to sing alongside Presley onstage at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood during the American Idol "Idol Gives Back" charity special. The late rocker appeared in hologram form for the breathtaking duet of "If I Can Dream" with Dion, leaving many audience members stunned and convinced they were seeing a ghost.

Um. What?

I credit American Idol for running their show live week in and week out. The Celine-Elvis performance, however, WAS NOT LIVE. Working with a hologrammed performer brings up a host of potential glitches, and if one were to go wrong, i.e. the wrong camera angle at the wrong time, the technological breakthrough that was Cyber-Elvis would be a laughing stock. But man, it looked live, didn’t it? The Idol backup singers were in the weird white outfits they donned last night, and the stage looked identical to how it did last night.

Here’s the video (that is, until Fox yanks it from YouTube)

Like I said, everything gives the impression that it’s live, with one MAJOR EXCEPTION. Let’s focus on the Idol contestants, shall we? They rarely show them up close, but we can tell that from attire to hairstyle, it’s a perfect emulation. Blake, Chris, Phil, Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordan – all mirror images of how they looked last night.

“But Condon, maybe it WAS them last night – it was live, right?”

NO!

First, it happens at 2:11 in the video, when the Idols walk out from their seats. Pay attention to the first one out of the blocks. Then at 2:44, we pan across the Idols from right to left, there’s a tall and skinny guy out to the far left. Damn, he looks familiar. A freeze frame at 2:58 will allow you to count seven, not six Idols swaying the duet of a lifetime. And one more time, at 3:07, some gawky kid seems to be standing out in his white suit. And that gawky kid isn’t Seacrest.

It’s Sanjaya Malakar, who was kicked off last weekend.

This was taped more than a week ago, friends.

And for the audience members stunned and convinces they were seeing a ghost, we have some advice for you.

American Idol is not haunted. The NFL Draft, however...