WRs that Go Bump in the Night

This upcoming weekend is the NFL Draft. For 224 young men, their job applications will be accepted by the various employers of the National Football League. In my opinion, this is a WAY better way to search for a job. Much of the awkward interview small talk can be avoided, and all you need is a video resume of you making bone-crushing open field tackles on unsuspecting wideouts.

(If you work in Finance rather than Football, just substitute “bone-crushing open field tacklers” with “risk assessments” and “unsuspecting wideouts” with “potential capital acquisitions.” Dude, if you video yourself doing math, I’d hire you right now.)

Because it’s April and ESPN currently employs 85 football analysts year-round, the televised coverage of the draft has become an annual excuse for fans of the gridiron to crack open a beer and wear a hole in their respective couches for one full weekend. In order to match the coverage of a draft in which 40% of the names discussed won’t be in the league in two years, it seems that the online arm of ESPN, ESPN.com, is also up to the task.

Spooky.

Within their Insider section, both fans and Vinnie Cerrato can review all the latest scouting grades on hundreds and hundreds of players who are eligible to have their name called by a stranger in a few days. Let’s dig into the details, shall we? The consensus best prospect in the draft in Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson. He’s not going to make it past the fourth pick, we’re projecting. Not in line to draft him? That’s ok, NFL GMs! ESPN.com has a whole list of wide receivers you can pick from!

Let’s start at the top. Aundrae Allen had a nice season at East Carolina, but you’re pretty sure East Carolina is a made up school. After all, you remember North and South on your ubercool bed sheets from when you were a kid, but not East. And then there’s a darkhorse pick from Albany State. His name?

Antonio Atkins.

What’s not to like about ANTONIO ATKINS? He may be a bit undersized (he’s as tall as Dave Reif), but so is Carolina Panthers star wideout Steve Smith. In his freshman year, he rished for 1,138 yards and scored 14 touchdowns. I’m no ESPN Insider, but I’ve done my homework – this kid has potential. Well, except for one small detail ESPN has neglected to mentioned.

He died in 2006.

Yes, Atkins broke into a house last April and was shot and killed by Albany police. He didn’t play football this past season, probably for this reason. But his stellar frosh effort has got him on the ESPN draft board. Amazing.

I’ve got 10 bucks that say he goes in the 7th round. And not to a famously incompetent draft team like Detroit or Minnesota. No, no. He’ll get drafted by one of the best football minds in the game – one who will see the upside of a player who is deceased. Belichick, Dungy, Reid – somebody with an outside-the-box mentality will proudly step to the podium in the 7th, and draft…

…The Ghost of Antonio Atkins.

There’s nothing like a haunted locker room to psyche out the other team. “My God, just look at them coming out of the tunnel – they’re so damn frightening.” Having a ghost player will reduce false starts and offsides calls, since no one can see if you’re over the line of scrimmage. Forget finding holes in the defense – you can rush right through ‘em. And we have unconfirmed reports that ghosts have the ability to fly. If you can teach Atkins to play defense, your opponent will never make another field goal or extra point again.

Programming note: In light of a potential apparition in the Players Union, whichever team the Ghost of Antonio Atkins ends up on will have a guaranteed home game on Halloween.

(Tip courtesy of Deadspin.)