But Doctor, They're Not...

(PS – Hooray for Post #700!)

Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants. This happens for three reasons. First off, when he was created in 1934 he was create to be a belligerent waterfowl; his trademark pose included his left and right fists wheeling for a boxing match. Second, he’s ex-military. Now of course, all we have to go on is his occasional sailor’s shirt, but for all we know, Donald could have been Navy Seals. Would you ever question a decision made by a Navy Seal? And third, he’s always had back-up. Big, big back-up.

Winnie the Pooh doesn’t wear pants. Yeah, it’s just a shirt and an occasional raincoat for the worrier from the 100 Acre Wood. Of course, he lives in a sparsely-populated area of the country, and aside from the occasional blustery day, it doesn’t get that cold there. So neither the natural elements nor offended neighbors give any just cause for Pooh to put on pants. Besides, his only friend who wears pants is a human that stops by every now and then, and that guy’s choice of lower apparel could have gotten him a shot to play in the NBA of the 1980’s. Oh, and besides, he’s got the big man watching his back.

Porky Pig doesn’t wear pants, either. He’s quite the dapper pig, always carefully selecting a stylish vest, jacket, bow tie, or suit coat before he ever leaves the house. I guess he occasionally steps into coveralls – for those rare times when the pig actually spent time on a farm – but I’m calling amnesia on this one. No one dresses so impeccably above the belt line and then chooses not to wear anything below the belt line, and that includes the omission of an actual belt. This pig is either absent-minded, or just freakin’ arrogant. But Porky Pig can be arrogant. He has the Big Cheese riding shotgun.

Surely, one would think that in past decades the fundamentalist Christian sects of America would not stand for their children to be entertained by this trio of pantsless animations of the cartoon world. One could argue that any clothes are better than no clothes, since the rest of God’s Creation has opted for the naked way of life, but to only go halfway and stop is no doubt the type of sinful offense that would make the pastor in Footloose breathe fire and brimstone. And other than Donald’s pugilistic attitude and prior covert ops training, who was to stop the Heartlands from condemning this risqué peep show of pig, bear, and duck?

My guess, of course, lies with the Big Guy we’ve thrice alluded to and yet to reveal. Emulation is not only a form of flattery, but of unity. You see, if there was a bigger, bolder, and better ally that the Non-Pantalones Three could hide behind when controversy erupted, then it would no doubt prolong their free-wheeling Hippie way of life. It would have to be someone who is loved and brings a smile to children and adults alike. It would have to be someone who brings the party wherever he goes. It would have to be someone whose shadow intimidates those who would like to cast the first stone. And it would have to be someone who has a complete disregard for drywall..

OH YEAAHHH!

For decades, The Kool-Aid Man has stood in the face of those who think that pants are a necessary way of life. The Man is no nudist – he just sees no reason why a certain attire should inhibit his ability to bring sugar-infused fruit juice goodness to the masses. Can you imagine the amount of demolition debris that would get stuck with the Kool-Aid Man if he chose to crash through elementary school walls whilst wearing a cableknit sweater? What a mess! The smooth, Teflon-infused surface of his giant transparent pitcher is perfect.

Besides, what has Kool-Aid Man to hide? The visual anatomy of his upper torso is identical to that of his lower body. Either way you direct your eyes, you’re looking at the same red fruit drink. Look how happy he is! All this joy, despite the fact that he’s had three GIANT, migraine-inducing ice cubes rattling around in his head for all eternity.

And yet, the conservative movement has made Kool-Aid Man sad. Look, I’m all for modesty and appropriate dress in today’s education system. I think that proper dress can prevent bad things from happening. Hell, I wear pants to work every day. But tell me this.

How can we live in a world where Britney Spears hits the tabloids for not wearing underwear getting out of limos, and everybody’s cool with it, and meanwhile the poor Kool-Aid Man has been sent home from his office to put on some clothes???

A sad day indeed.