The Prodigal Roommate and I have collaborated on many a project in the 9 years of our friendship. There are the seasons of Madden that we’d let the Playstation know who’s boss. There was the Home Depot stripper cake that was as anti-climactic as Mattias entering a spelling bee. There are the 9 Levels of Mafia-Dan, which really deserved more attention for our ridiculous use of the English vocabulary. Throw in a movie classification system here and the best board game ever there, it’s clear we have a chemistry when it comes to comedic uprising. To date, we’ve often used our power of funny for good.
Now, we go all Emperor Palpatine on ya.
A couple weeks back, I took the time on this very blog to mock a Frozen Meal Feedback sheet that appeared on our office fridge. For those who don’t recall, my co-worker (Dwight Schrute as we’ve been referring to her) thought to create a spreadsheet where one and all can evaluate the flavorocity of various Lean Cuisines for the benefit of all. We, in turn, ridiculed the idea irreverently, so much as to suggest a rival spreadsheet be posted alongside it in hopes of fostering some grocer’s freezer competition.
And the Prodigal Roommate answered.
The next day, while in the middle of writing my ode to pilot programs, I got this e-mail from Spud with a peculiar attachment. Call him inspired by our call to arms, but the man had indeed created a rival spreadsheet. A sheet that would once and far all prove the superiority of a certain frozen food, while at the same time make my co-worker cry. I couldn’t ask for a better situations. So I printed it out and later that day, adorned the refrigerator with Spud’s Creation:
Hot Pocket Feedback.
On a spreadsheet eerily similar to the original (eerily because Spud had never seen the original, yet channeled his inner Schrute to parody it), he had pre-populated the Meal column with every variety of Hot Pocket known to man. Sure, he may have gone to the HP website to get this listing, but I’m pretty sure he can rattle them off from memory.
You see, he’s a bit of a fan.
Back in ’05, my roommate wrote to the good people of Nestle to heap some postal praise on a certain meal-on-the-go product. In return, they sent him a personalized letter of thanks (which he’s since had framed, embossed, and hired a painter to do a wall-size rendering of), with additional coupons for his continued loyalty. At any given time, our freezer held more boxes of Hot Pockets than ice trays.
Which is good, because ice trays bubble up terribly if you microwave them.
Back to the Rival Sheet, though. I hung the Rival Sheet immediately adjacent to the Frozen Meal Feedback. After all, the latter had been posted for about two weeks, and not a single rating had been provided. It’s like when a gas station moves in across the street from the other gas station – competition can spark interest.
Just to get things kicked off, I filled in three random ratings to three different Hot Pockets. Sometimes you need to get the ball rolling. So just like that, a 10 for Meatballs and Mozzarella, an 8 for Ham and Cheese, and an underperforming 2 for Jalapeno Steak and Cheese.
One week later…
To be honest, I didn’t want to check the thing every day, for fear of this being a disappointing foray into co-worker torture. So I waited 5 business days until a day came along in which I stored my lunch in the fridge. When I looked up at the Hot Pocket list, I was shocked. We had 8 reviews.
And we’re not just talking some guy who’s an enthusiast ranked his Top 5, either. I count 4 different pen colors (who the hell writes with a purple pen??) and 6 different Pocket varieties with data. (Good God, we have a 9.667 average on the Meatball!). Spud’s Rival Sheet? Runaway Success.
Frozen Meal Feedback Form? So fresh and so clean.
Winner!
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