The Pilot Program

Coming this summer to a multi-national corporation near you: Chaos!

Our company is currently switching its entire financial mainframe software from one product to another product. They tell us it will allow our company to operate efficiently in a 21st century environment. Personally, I don’t see the need for change. After all, hasn’t 20th Century Fox been responsible for the X-Men series, the Ice Age flicks, Moulin Rouge, Walk the Line, and Devil Wears Prada in the last 7 years, all without an overdue name change?

(What’s that? Oh – Big Momma’s House, too? Ok, nevermind.)

The evolution of technology in business is something that is increasingly important with each new invention and idea that the science dorks come up with. If a CEO is unwilling to innovate and advance, his firm will be left in the dust. (However, if the firm has invented a way to convert dust into printed currency, then that changes the entire business model.) So I am passively for the upgrade to the new software. I figure the powers-that-be will make sure it caters to all the business processes we are currently carry out in the current system, and then we will all be happy people in the new world. However, the view from the flight deck doesn’t look quite that optimistic.

In a company as large as mine, you don’t just shut down one system and turn the other one with the flick of a switch. Without proper testing of the new system, this would be disastrous just about every time it occurs. Therefore, a pilot program is instituted. A pilot program is a program by which a smaller cross-section of a company engages in the new practice. Their success or failure with the new system will allow the installers to have valuable input prior to the full roll-out.

It’s like a pre-planned trainwreck. (Sorry, Sara.)

My department is part of this pilot program. And judging from the meetings we’ve sat through, the new system is anything but ready to implement. Come the pilot program kickoff date of July 1st, things look to be…well…catastrophic.

Thank God this doesn’t involve actual pilots. On second thought…

PILOT: Alright Control, this is the pilot speaking. I wanted to go over some of the features of this new plane before we try and land this thing in Chicago in a half-hour. Would you care to review the diagnostics with me.
CONTROL: Roger.
PILOT: Ok, the first thing that has me a little spooked is this light here that says, “Landing Gear Missing.” Can you confirm that this is a faulty light, and I in fact, have operable landing gear?
CONTROL: That’s a negative. No operable landing gear found.
PILOT: WHAT? The plane I used to fly had landing gear, why doesn’t this one? After all, it’s clearly something that I need on a daily basis. Where is it?
CONTROL: It’s not ready.
PILOT: GUH. Ok, then, we certainly must have some other functionalities that will allow me to safely land this plane. New planes should be more advanced like that. (deep breath) Control, what futuristic modules do I have to land this craft?
CONTROL: Do you see that green lever?
PILOT: Yes, I do. Will that help me land?
CONTROL: Negative.
PILOT: Then why did you point it out? (pulls lever, two pieces of hot toast eject from the dashboard) We have a lever to make toast?? Why?
CONTROL: Pilots sometimes are hungry.
PILOT: AND SOMETIMES PILOTS DIE FROM NO LANDING GEAR.
CONTROL: Negative. Fatality rates are still in beta testing.
PILOT: Ok, calm down Jenkins, you can do this. Control, surely there must be a contingency protocol I can adhere to, correct?
CONTROL: Affirmative.
PILOT: Please relay the contingency protocol.
CONTROL: You see that easel near the jump seat?
PILOT: I do.
CONTROL: It’s a drawing board. Go back there.
PILOT: Sigh.