The Alternate Ending to Gladiator

Do you remember the last time Tiger Woods was crowned the Masters Champion? The last time he ended his April Sunday wearing a coat that would make a certain cereal-hawking leprechaun proud? We at the YABNews Sports Desk do. We wrote about it.

It was 2005.

Last year, the death of his father prevented him from posting a solid effort against Phil Mickleson. This year, colder-than-usual conditions and a lack of frontrunners allowed Tiger Woods to enter the final day in the final pairing in hopes of a stellar finale. He was paired with Stuart Appleby, who would prefer to go outback tonight than feel good in his own neighborhood. As the scriptwriters would put in, Appleby was just lining up to be playing the role of “Crushed Dreams #1.”

Zach Johnson would like to be re-cast.

The 31 year-old from Iowa City stayed with the pack for the front nine, and then a set of birdies ‘round Amen Corner propelled him into the lead. Broadcasters Jim Nantz and Other Guy had little to say for two reasons. 1) The American public doesn’t care about Zach Johnson. They care about Tiger Woods. 2) Jim Nantz and Other Guy had no idea who Zach Johnson was.

They couldn’t speak to his sponsors, largely unknown. They had no idea that Johnson is actually a Top 25 player and a member of the Ryder Cup. No idea that he won the ’04 BellSouth or graduated from Drake University. These facts all went unbroadcast. CBS was not prepared to talk about this relatively unknown but worthy adversary. And worst of all, Jim Nantz and Other Guy ignored the most obvious of Zach Johnson factoids.

He’s Joaquin Phoenix.

(Thanks to thebiglead.com for the side-by-side.) While sitting on the couch watching him pull away, I mentioned this to Katie, and she concurred. And fortunately, when I hit the interwebs this morning, I saw that I was not alone in this revelation. The man that Flubber Mickleson donned a jacket of green on yesterday was also the mighty Roman emperor who ruled the Ancient Games with a thumbs-up and a thumbs-down.

“Now teeing off from the first tee, at one over par: Commodus!”

So let’s see, that would make Zach Johnson a man who wielded great control over the lay of the land yesterday, not afraid to swing away at his detractors, has no problem watching tigers do battle with other competitors from a distance (in this case, his rear-view mirror), and probably has some daddy issues.

(And for his wife’s sake, let’s hope Zach doesn’t have a sister. Would make for some creepy times at the Johnson family Christmas.)

Of course, that makes Tiger Woods our mighty Maximus, and this parallels well. As the holes played out, Tiger made some unbelievable shots out of the rough, which Johnson no doubt saw on the scoreboard…from afar. As he was putting for par on 16, he had to pause at an uproarious eruption of cheers from 13, where Woods has just eagled. Surely, he was the People’s Champion. Sports fans usually root for the underdog, but not with Tiger. This generation of golf fans want to know they saw the best to ever play the game, the one who can win on any given Sunday, the one who can win against overmatched chariots, jungle cats, and dudes bigger than John Daly.

Commodus, Maximus is coming for you. He’s Tiger Woods. Father to a future child. Husband to a supermodel wife. Son of a fallen father. Pitchmen to a struggling car company. And he will have his vengeance, in this tournament or the next.

Or not.

For this would be the day that Zach Johnson would reply, “But now, the people want to know how the story ends. Only a famous death will do. And what could be more glorious than to challenge the Iowan himself at the great Augusta?

I’ve never quite understood why directors and screenwriters make alternate endings to movie. Test audiences be damned, you should go with your best idea and roll with it. But sometimes, in those extra features on a DVD, it’s cool to see the bad guy win.

Zach Johnson agrees.