My Daughter the Box Turtle

So far, we feel we’ve succeeded as parents. We’ve never not known where the baby is. She’s assumed a regular schedule of eating, sleeping, and mayhem. Sure, every now and then I miss a snap or button when changing the kid, but I just tell her it’s how the cool babies wear onesies. She hasn’t insisted on getting her ears pierced or that “According to Jim” is quality television. Yeah, she’s progressing nicely, and we’re proud to be her wingman. Er…men. I mean, people. Yes. Wingpeople.

Except…

I know the adage about how new parents can’t wait to see their children learn to be mobile, but once they figure it out, how those same parents wish that they’d never learned that skill. And maybe a year from now, I’ll regret our recent efforts to teach Clara to become self-moving. But in the meantime, we’ve had a good time watching her learn. When it comes to motion, it’s a very established progression. First, a babies learn how to move their body. Then, they learn to crawl. Third, they’ll figure out how to stand. Fourth, they walk. Fifth, they become college scholarship-eligible high hurdlers with a free ride to a D1 track program. Yep, this progression is old as time.

However, we’ve encountered a bit of a dilemma somewhere around Step 2. For babies, crawling is the easiest way to scamper out of sight or towards that toy that rolled off their chest and four feet off the play mat. The mechanics of it are primitive, yet effective. By propelling oneself forward using the pushing of hands and feet against carper, anyone can motor by without finding the need to stand up. In order to teach this crucial skill, parents can assist by getting their small child more and more used to being on their stomach.

Slight problem: she hates it.

For the last three months, we’ve spent a little time each day placing Clara on her stomach in order to gauge her reaction. And after much research and a whole lot of data, our conclusion is…she hates it. I don’t know what it is about the pressure of floor on an infant-sized rib cage, but it triggers all the sadness of Old Yeller in our little one. She’ll cry, she’ll sob, she’ll have no intention of learning to crawl on this day.

But I guess repetition is the key to learning, and we’ve pressed on. She’s a little more comfortable, but by no means happy with her face-down predicament. And I don’t think it’s because she’s closer to crawling or inner nirvana. I think it’s because…

…she’s found an out.

Like clockwork, Clara has now decided that when faced with the quandary of being on her stomach, she’ll cry until she gets herself into position – and flips over to her back. Yep, she’s got her escape route out of Shawshank. Just a quiet maneuver, and roll to daylight. Or in this case, the ceiling.

Ok, Einstein, now what?

While Clara lies here contemplating what it’s like to be an inverted box turtle, here are some things that she will never end up doing in life, thanks to her patented 180:

The army crawl: Yes, the ever-so-sneaky military maneuver of getting closer to thy enemy while becoming one with the earth requires plenty of stomach-to-soil contact. Not. Gonna. Happen. If she does follow her godfather into the military, she’ll be taking a desk job. Besides, in the future warfare will be completely technological, limiting the need to get grass stains on your shirt, anyways.

Air raid drills: Back when Cuba was a credible threat, school children participated in air raid drills. A siren would go off, and they had to get as close to the ground as possible while hiding under something. (Apparently school desks in the 50’s had some sort of nuclear repellant spray on them that would spare ground-facing students with ease.) Clara’s inability to lie on her stomach won’t hurt here either, considering Cuba has become as threatening as Moby at a steak buffet.

Stolen Base Queen: The fastest of the fast on the basepaths are not afraid of a headfirst slide to elude a tag or to wreak some havoc on those who try to tag. Now the more traditional slide – feet first – would still apply for Clara, but getting her numbers up in the area of Rickey Henderson, Lou Brock, and Maury Wills is just unlikely if she has no interest in being on her stomach. And after she insists on seeing “A League of their Own,” she’ll swear that the only way to steal third is with Dirt in the Skirt, anyway.