Throw Mauer From the Train

In our first year of blogging, we attempted to cover the MLB All-Star Game, running diary style. After about 90 minutes, we lost interest in covering a largely meaningless exhibition game that the National League gets perennially waxed in. This season’s edition will be held tonight in San Francisco.

We have no intention of live blogging it.

However, we don’t want it to pass us by without any mention, so we’re going to do a much more compact, concise running diary. Rather than chart interleague balls and strikes for four hours, let’s stay within our standard column length while showing our astute grasp for America’s Past time while taking a few cheap shots along the way. Without further ado, we give you the 2007 Live Blog of the Commercial for the MLB All-Star Game on Fox.

Preamble: This commercial, much like the pinball-themed once of last year, shows various Major League All-Stars on their way to the All-Star Game in San Francisco. The design of the ad is to show the game’s best and brightest working together to compete against the other league, while reminding people of the host city’s key features. There’s a problem, though. Fox needs to air this commercial for a good month and a half prior to tonight’s game in order to garner sizeable interest in the telecast. However, the All-Star rosters are only announced 10 days before the game.

What does this mean?

The commercial is shot in the pre-season, long before anyone can put forth a half-season of merit, earning them an All-Star invite. Because of this, uh, scheduling error, MLB must do its best to predict who will be in the Big Game as to not look like jackasses. Therefore, you’re not going to see Roger Clemens, who was retired at the time of filming. (That’s okay, he’s not an All-Star anyway.) Let’s proceed, shall we?

The commercial in question can be found here.

0:01: You can see this is fiction from the get-go. A trolley stops to pick up Giants left fielder Barry Bonds. No, it’s not fiction that Bonds is on the team; rather, it’s fiction because a trolley is willing to stop to pick up Barry Bonds.

0:06: Meanwhile, Derek Jeter (2-0!) hops on the American League trolley after wandering aimlessly through the streets of San Francisco for hours. You would think a guy making $17.9 million a year could have afforded a cab. You would also think that there’s an injury provision in pro ballplayers contracts that forbids them to casually jump onto moving vehicles.

0:11: As the two leagues’ trolleys pull alongside one another, they come to a stop at a traffic light. We see three NY Mets – Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, and David Wright – all All-Stars (5-0!) standing and smiling. They’re smiling because the trolley is much preferred to the NYC Subway. Across the way are a couple of Twins – Johan Santana and Joe Mauer. Who the hell let Mauer on board? He’s no All-Star (6-1!), having spent most of the first season on the DL, thereby killing my fantasy team. Oh and apparently, the All-Star Game will be decided by who can chew gum more pleasantly: Wright or Mauer.

0:18: Wright slows the train to pick-up Braves’ outfielder Andruw Jones (6-2!), his .211 average, and his 87 strikeouts. Nice pick-up, Dave.

0:21: The A.L. counters with Home Run Derby Champ Vlad Guerrero (7-2!). Something tells me this will be their 10th win in 11 years already. Damn it.

0:24: Wright violently shifts gears, and newspapers fly out of the hands of Nomar Garciaparra (7-3!) and Beltran. For the record, the Mets’ 3B is anti-Sudoku. In the background behind Nomar, an extra wearing #97 remains unfazed.

0:26: Hanging from the side of the NL Car? Mark Ruffalo – no, wait. That’s Barry Zito. (7-4!) No wonder this NL trolley is so damn slow. That guy’s ERA is 4.90 and his contract is heavier than Prince Fielder.

0:28: Chicago Cubs Derrek Lee and Alfonso Soriano (9-4!) are clearly on a date.

0:30: Madman Conductor Wright hits the brakes, as he drives right through a parade. Lance Berkman (9-5!) loses his footing, while Chase Utley (10-5!) and Ryan Howard (10-6!) point and laugh at the tuba players running for their lives. I had no idea I root for such sadistic bastards.

0:36: Apropos of nothing, Jimmy Rollins (10-7!) is eating a donut. He deserves to be on this trolley, but alas, he is not. Why isn’t here in SF tonight?

0:38: Because the phantom hand of Jason Bay (10-8!) has pulled Pirates’ infielder Freddy Sanchez on board. (11-8!) My only real problem with the All-Star rosters, Tony LaRussa picked an under qualified Sanchez over starting pitcher Ian Snell, thereby using up the spot that Rollins deserves. Ok, off my soap box now.

0:41: On the AL trolley, someone sends Jason Giambi a text message that says, “DUCK!” It should have said, “UR NOT AN ASTAR! TTYL!” (11-9!) A-Rod (12-9!) watches from afar, and makes 2.3 million dollars in the process.

0:48: For no reason whatsoever, Blue Jays pitcher Roy Halladay swings out of the trolley and busts a Road Closed sign with a hanging curve. He’s angry, and he’s not on the team, either. (12-10!)

0:52: Despite Jason Bay’s irony, both trollies crash into the water surrounding San Fran. All the All-Stars drown. Guest kayaker Adam Sandler is too late.

Only on FOX!