Park Place Cinema

Growing up in the company of the Shawnee Group, I have come to love board games. During that fun-filled summer between high school and college, at least one night of the week (I think it was Mondays) was devoted to sitting in Aaron’s back room or Smith’s basement in a challenge of 2-dimensional competition. Over time, we got to know and dominate anything Hasbro or the Parker Brothers could throw our way, and even modified some games on our own to give them a fresh spin. One of these days, I’ll update Wikipedia on the rules of Double-board Risk, Taboo Mafia, Uberultimate Outburst and Hungry Hungry Steinberg. (One of those I may have made up.)

When we weren’t playing board games, we were often watching movies (that was Tuesdays at Cole’s house.) The two nights had a very different tones to them. One involved shouting at each other in the name of fired up rivalries; the other was a chill evening watching films from the 80’s and eating junk food amidst the finest in jungle prints. But combining the two nights? That’s crazy talk!

Or is it?

Ridley Scott, of the Flying Directing Scott Brothers, has been attached to a rather peculiar film project. Yes, the man who brought the greatness of Gladiator, Blade Runner, and Black Hawk Down has signed on to direct movie based on a board game. Now judging from his greatest successes, you probably have some pretty good guesses as to what game they are trying to create a script around. Risk? Stratego? Of course, games built upon the precept of conquest and battle would make for a sweet war film. Battleship? Axis & Allies? Yes, it could have a strong hero character that lives in a time of adversity and must use his cunning mind and his lucky dice to find greatness. Jedi Duels? William and Mary Duels? Not even close.

Try Monopoly.

(Somewhere in Charlotte, Chris Nordberg is jumping with glee.)

According to the report, Scott has been given the pick of Hollywood to turn the game of deeds, dice, and free parking into a comedic thriller. There will be no swords, no guns, and no knives with which to do battle in this one, folks. After all, there isn’t a real villain in Monopoly, unless you count that pesky cop who hangs out in the corner and sends you to jail without trial by jury, due process of law, or a swing by the bank to pick up a couple hundred bucks in prison yard gambling scratch.

To quote Gladiator, we’re terribly vexed.

Nonetheless, we have faith in Sir Ridley, who has used the finest in Hollywood’s screenwriting stable in the past, to craft an engaging script that won’t feel like being stuck on Baltic Avenue while hotels come out of nowhere all around. However, since this project is so vague, the best we can do to help our the man who brought us both Thelma and Louise is give our tips for casting the blockbuster hit of 2008.

Rich Uncle Pennybags – JON VOIGHT – can play the old, jovial millionaire, in much the same way he played FDR in Pearl Harbor and Nick Cage’s dad in the National Treasure flicks. Since each of the characters will effectively be playing with house money, and therefore his, he can let out a mean streak for when some idiot buys Tennessee Ave with his last $180. And by mean struck, I totally want to see the fire in his eyes of Coach Kilmer. Also, if he agrees to do this, I just might forgive him for Baby Geniuses 2. Maybe.

Go to Jail Cop – SYLVESTER STALLONE – Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen the horror in people’s eyes when they overshoot Marvin Gardens by one, but wouldn’t that actual fear seem a lot more real on screen if Stallone was waiting there in the corner for you, dressed as Judge Dredd? There would be little arguing with his ruling. Plus, this cop is the strong, silent type. The less we have to make Sly say, the better.

Car – VIN DIESEL – No one will ever question his speed or furiousness.
Top Hat – SAMUEL L. JACKSON – Forgive him if he updates he character and has it decked out in all things Kangol.
Scottie Dog – SEAN CONNERY – Celebrity Jeopardy version of course.
Weird Looking Shoe – STEVE BUSCEMI - typecast
Thimble – ELIJAH WOOD - Our underdog in this whole crazy mixed-up flick. We hear he’s played this role before. Let’s just hope Gollum doesn’t swallow him.

Tickets go on sale Friday, on the corner of New York and St.James. Parking will be free.