Walking the Plank

2 years ago, we set out our clubhouse rules for our fantasy baseball team as a result of a former player of ours making a rookie mistake. Yes, for fans of my then-named franchise “Ig League Chew,” we regretted to inform them that starting shortstop Clint Barmes was injured because he was stupid. What was known at the time of publishing is that Barmes had fallen down some stairs carrying groceries up to his first-year pad. What came out later was that by groceries, he meant “large slab of deer meat that he shot and killed over at Todd Helton’s house.” Ah, of course. Sadly, I’ve been pushing our commissioner to add deer meat to our league’s list of banned substances, but I’m making very little head way.

Now, Mr. Deer Meat is as far from my roster as possible. In fact, not only do I not have a spot for him on my squad, his MLB team, the Colorado Rockies, don’t have room for a career .250 hitter with a history of venison miscarriage. Since the end of April, Barmes has been biding his time with his new wife in Colorado Springs. He’s no Rockie; ‘tis a member of the Sky Sox.

What is the singular form of Sky Sox, anyway? Sky Sock?

But just when you thought I had flushed fantasy incompetence from my virtual locker room, I find out that one of my pitchers has been taking careful notes of Deer Meat’s limited tenure here. Now I was proud of Deer Meat, a waiver wire pick-up that was flirting with batting .400 before his “hunting accident.” I, too, had similar aspirations for late-round draft pick Ian Snell. After all, he had a solid spring training, was capable of throwing heat, and as a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates, it was unlikely he was on many people’s radar.

And despite having a dumb name, Snell hasn’t disappointed. He’s got a 2.63 ERA, has 78 strikeouts, and may be flirting with an all-star selection from Steeltown. Sure, he’s not national news, but he’s a strong contributor to my team this year, the 4th place “Dickie Thon in a Box.”

So why was I worried when I heard he’d miss his next start on the radio?

This morning, I was listening to DC101, a non-sports talk station. Once an hour, they run through a news report, which closes out with sports. The sports normally focus on the big things – things that make ESPN.com’s front page, as well as the latest on the DC teams. So when the final story started with, “Pittsburgh Pirates starting pitcher Ian Snell will miss his next start due to a blister on his finger,” I knew I was in for a world of trouble.Why would a non-sports station blindly report that a decent small market team pitcher not in Washington’s division has an injury that isn’t even worthy of the disabled list?

Oh God, there’s going to be a punchline here.

It turns out that the rumor of Snell’s blister is truth. And unlike many other pitchers in the game today, his did not come from pitching too much. Yet again, my fantasy baseball team will suffer on account of a star player trying to feed himself. From the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette,

“Ian Snell will not start tomorrow night against Seattle because of a blister on the index finger of his right hand. The right-hander blistered his finger while cooking in his kitchen. "I was cooking a chicken breast for a salad and burned my finger," Snell said. "I'm all right, but the salad wasn't too good."”

WHAT?

Look, Ian. I’m proud of you. You play a game that has featured perennial fat guys like David Wells, Antonio Alfonseca, and Curt Schilling. You’re trying to maintain that slim figure by eating healthy. We’re very excited to see that your diet is reasonable, yet protein-enriched. But damn it, man. May I introduce you to Perdue Short Cuts? It’s either that, or I’m making you vegan. You’ll be the only vegan in Pittsburgh.

Deer Meat, I’d like you to meet Chicken Salad.
Chicken Salad, this is Deer Meat.