The World According to AARP

I can’t say I’ve ever been impressed with the magazine selection you would find in the waiting room of a medical office. Short of Dr. Bisignano’s dental practice – whose array of periodicals has always been strikingly excellent – the reads from which you must choose are always a massive disappointment. The Times and Newsweeks are always torn to shreds by the time you get to them, the only U.S. News and World Report I ever give a damn about is the annual college issue (which people steal), and if one should be so lucky to find a Sports Illustrated lying around, you can join with America in congratulating your Chicago Bulls in becoming the 1997 NBA World Champions. I always knew you had it in ya, Michael.

What’s that? Yes, this is a Ladies Home Journal. I read it for the articles. Honest!

However, that’s all a smorgasbord of glossy literature compared to what I’m currently perusing this morning. I figured it would be a good writing exercise to pick up one of the two choices laid before me and mock it to no end. Now, I don’t feel comfortable picking up “Travel + Leisure,” since my worldly voyages are limited, and I don’t feel I’d benefit from learning where all the “undiscovered French country inns” are. (Note to T+L’s editor: if you’re able to feature said inns, they’re probably no longer undiscovered. No it’s okay, exposing covert locales is always a good idea. Just ask my pal Scooter.)

What does that leave me? Ah, AARP Magazine.

Now a wise man once told me that old men hate everything but Matlock (ooh, it’s on now!), but the writers of AARP Magazine would have you believe otherwise. For those unfamiliar with this civic organization, AARP is the American Association of Retired People, as well as people who receive their membership cards early despite the fact they’ve still got 10 years of grindstone left.

College tuitions these days.

Anyways, here is what YAB has learned about old people by reading a November 2006 edition of AARP Magazine. (Now, in bullet form!!!)

• Ed McMahon is a complete shill. I don’t know if he’s having trouble with his last few mortgage payments in Boca or something, but the dude is a spokesperson for EVERYTHING. God forbid you run into this guy on the street – you many walk away from that conversation with a brand-new Sleep Number bed, bathroom makeover, a case of Boost calcium drink, and of course, AARP Insurance. Johnny, help a brother out.
• This is by far the best piece of exercise equipment. It’s called The Entertainer, and it’s a sadistic bastard of electronics. Long story short, it’s a combo heart rate monitor and universal TV remote. You hang it off a treadmill or whatever it is you use to exercise. If your heart rate drops below a pre-determined rate (say 128 BPM), the TV will drop the volume on you. Take a break? It turns the TV right off. Disclaimer: may not correctly operate for the final episode of Sopranos.
• 19 per cent of women between 35 and 65 can identify with Kirstie Alley’s body. In lesser-reported figured, 0 per cent have a valid explanation as to why there were three Look Who’s Talking movies.
• One of AARP’s 9 Secrets to Better Health? Drink more coffee. While their research shows such an initiative may stave off cavities and colon cancer, not to mention Type 2 diabetes. It should be noted that one of major sponsors in this edition is Maxwell House. Not I’m not declaring conspiracy here, it just warrants mentioning. But I wouldn’t be taken aback if Tip #10, “Eat Woodchips Daily” would have made the final edition had HGTV had an ad in here.
• There’s a infographic called, “Who’s Your Elvis?” Based on the decade of your age, the good folks at AARP have declared the voice of your generation, regardless of musical tastes. Yeah man, nothing says hardworking blogger, husband father of one like the music of Kurt Cobain.
  

Something tells me that isn’t the readership demographic they were looking for, either.