From the Cojubuvech

Now I realize why Ikea furniture is so inexpensive. No labor costs.

Unless, of course, you include the countless hours Katie and I spent last night putting together a trio of cabinetry for the new apartment. Ok, maybe I could count them. But that defeats the need to blog, doesn’t it? Whatever the duration, I spent last night turning efficiently packed cubes of wood and screws into furniture. Who knew I was a carpenter? (Quiet, Walrus, nobody asked you.)

I have to say, the Ikea furniture retail system has got to be the best export from the fine nation of Sweden that I’ve ever encountered. (2nd place Volvo, 3rd place Nordbergs-who-don’t-phone-it-in.) The instant I’m about to complain about the work involved in making a simple television stand, I’m reminded of how reasonable the price was for said stand. Sure, I could have shopped elsewhere, carted home a finished product, but then I wouldn’t have been able to stop on the way home for that huge steak dinner, where I paid for everybody in the place. Mmm.

(Sure, I’m exaggerating.) (Or am I?)

However, for all you future Ikea shoppers, I fear for you. I have seen the future and I have no need for shades. In years to come, the Ikea business model will take drastic turns, and they will not be for the better. And what do we have to thank for this ideological slide? Simple. Continental cooperation.

The European Union (EU) is a group of European countries that work as one unit in order realize the benefits of cooperating on a political, economic, and social scale. Great advances have been made in the last decade to unify the continent, making its collective voice just as strong as the United States in world matters. To achieve such a voice, each country had to sacrifice something that was synonymous with their national pride. Currency is one such casualty (well, for everyone but England.)

Guess what Sweden has to give up? Yep, you guessed it: Ikea. It’s not that the big blue and gold buildings are going to go away; it’s just that from now on, they need to incorporate some business trademarks from other nations in the EU. The following are my top seven favorite changes resulting from Ikea becoming an EU-corporation.

1. Germany – Improvements in supply chain management can be expected, as a new plant in Hamburg is so efficient and serious that all existing facilities are closed down. Nobody smiles.
2. Slovakia – Thought brand names at Ikea were weird before? Slovakia has taken on the task of adding random J’s, B’s, V’s and U’s to product titles. The Swedes used to call it a couch, now it shall be known as cojubuvech. Comfy.
3. Greece – A new brand will hit the shelves in 2007, labeled Athos. You will be able to construct your very own towering Ionian columns using only an Allen wrench. Amazing!
4. Czech Republic – Barely beaten out to the naming job Slovakia got, the Czechs have instead opted to improve Ikea by supplying manpower. You see, with the NHL back in town, the New York Rangers are about to give Jaromir Jagr his walking papers, and I hear there is a vacancy in the Scarsdale store for “stockboy.”
5. Hungary – Will oversee management of the in-store concession areas and kiosks. Will promise not to devour the merchandise.
6. Netherlands – In order to deal with expansion within Europe, raw materials are at an all-time low. The Dutch have struck a deal with Nike to outfit the nation in Air Jordan’s, while all their previous footwear is recycled to mass produce end tables.
7. Italy – Italy promises not to invade rival furniture galleries and suffer embarrassing defeats on behalf of the EU.