A Bunch of Trees. Sigh.

Thank you, CNN.com. You’ve finally given motive.

Prior to YAB, putting my thoughts onto paper only happened in three ways: e-mail, research paper, or parody. The first is a way of life, the second a rite of passage, and the third, well, my most creative outlet. Teamed with Spud, I spent several years as part of the parody band “Lyric Intensive,” performing shows up and down the eastern seaboard (read: only Virginia.) I have collaborated on the act of taking over thirty-five of your favorite songs (plus Mambo No. 5), ripping the original words from their comfy position on the track, and re-inserting new lyrics, rife with comedy, intricate rhyme schemes, and well, Reif. I think I even published one such song back in October.

I write lyrics, just not music. If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I don’t. This results in two main things. First, everything I write musically will rely on other people to complete the orchestration before I can personalize the song for myself. Second, I feel totally in the right to RIP APART third-rate lyrical stylings of professionals.

I’ve been pondering this post for a long, long time with one target in mind. As much as Shania Twain’s “Party for Two” drives me up a wall for its 1st grade rhyming, no one musical act in the past ten years has tortured the English language like the boy band LFO. And since their tune “Summer Girls” has appeared on Billboard’s Top “Summer” song list, we feel it our responsibility to look a little closer to their carefully selected verbiage.

The idea behind the song is a guy has met a girl during a vacation to the beach, and he’s recalling his first impressions and selected memories from their temporary romance. Seems simple enough. Occasionally the narrator (his name is Rich – he mentions it three times.) is able to produce some of these aforementioned sentiments. But then, in a genius stroke of complete idiocy, he picks the most random thing he can come up with to complete his rhyming couplet. Below is the opening chorus…

New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits // Chinese food makes me sick. // And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer.
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch // I'd take her if I had one wish. // But she's been gone since that summer, since that summer.

Ok, wait right here. Your chorus structure would have been ok, except for reminding me of another light-on-content pop act, not to mentioning letting me know how well you fare with Kung Pow Chicken.

I could ramp up a rant on the shameless A&F plug, but I’ve got bigger problems. Like I said before, relevant wording is met stride for stride by eclectic pop culture shoutouts. Here are my Top Ten “I want to break a guitar over the songwriter’s head” Worst Lyrics Ever.

The fact I can come up with 10, and had to turn away contenders, speaks volumes.

1. Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese // Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees.
   - In the lyrical world, sometimes you need to fill a few syllables in order to end with a killer rhyme. Enter “a bunch of.” When I hear “a bunch of” spat out, I’m totally expecting a clever finish. Ah, trees. Of course.
2. When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet // Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets.
   - The first line was meekly clever, ya know, right before you made one history’s greatest writers your drinking buddy. Whole bunch of sonnets? Really?
3. Your the best girl that I ever did see // The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
   - Not a tribute to the Celtic great, just his uniform. Curious.
4. Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speakin’ // Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton.
   - And he would have sold your hide on the stock market. Two words: JUNK BONDS.
5. There was a good man named Paul Revere // I feel much better baby when you're near.
   - Near? You struggled so badly for something to rhyme with near that you called upon the guy who warned us the British are coming? Please step away from your pencil. You don’t deserve the lead you write with.
6. Summertime girls are the kind I like // I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike.
   - Ever wonder why sometimes relationships don’t work out. I find theft and robbery often play parts.
7. Hip Hop Marmalade Spic and Span // Met you one summer and it all began
   - Music Genre, Toast Applicant, Cleaning Solution – Somebody’s been looking around their apartment and turning inventory into song, again…
8. Cherry Pez, cold crush, rock star boogie // Used to hate school so I had to play hooky.
   - Remind what this had to do with any girl, let alone one from the summer?
9. Stayed all summer then went back home // Macaulay Culkin wasn't Home Alone.
   - Is there a metaphor I’m missing here?
10. You love hip hop and rock n roll // Dad took off when you were 4 years old.
    - Smooth, Casanova. Remind her of a tragic childhood memory.
    

I am going to crawl under my desk and cry now.