No Age Minimum Here

It just gets better with age.

No, not wine, you fool. It’s still way too early in the morning for that. Here at YAB, we trust in ice-cold Gatorade to take the edge off particularly rough AM agenda. And since I haven’t been tapped to become a Gatorade distributor by their home office in Chicago, Illinois, this requires a morning trip down to the cafeteria.

Now that I am officially off my bagel kick, such a trip has become even more routine and efficient. After all, no need to have to deal with the melty peanut butter or the silly Styrofoam containers when all the breakfast I need is sitting prepackaged in the refrigerated display case. I guess this gives a few extra moments to observe my surroundings as I wait in line to pay.

Our café underwent a vendor change a few months back, and ever since, I’ve never known what to expect. It’s a testing phase for them – trying to figure out what product lines and food offerings will be successful and which should go the way of melty peanut butter. I’m pretty indifferent to all of this change; as long as there’s salad, dressing, and a fork, I’m a happy camper. However, I have noticed that in the morning, our vendor has installed iron waffle makers. Normally, waffle makers aren’t interesting enough to get some print on a blog, but it was the accompanying sign that has caught my attention.

“Children under the age of 16 must be accompanied by an adult when using the waffle maker.”

Don’t misunderstand me, I am for kitchen safety just as much as the next guy, but WOW, what a restriction! Sixteen years old?!?!? Seems a bit, uh, high? There’s a debate that needs to be had on whether the measure has been instituted to prevent high school freshmen from burning themselves or eating waffles altogether, but that will no be today’s forum. Today, we aim to put the magic number of sixteen into perspective. After all, with that crucial “Old enough to fly solo on a waffle maker” bar being set at sweet sixteen, it says a lot about our society.

14 – According to most tenets of the U.S.’ Fair Labor and Standards Act, you must be fourteen years old to hold a job in today’s workforce. Granted, “rocket scientist” and “brain surgeon” aren’t awarded to people this age, but you can make some spending money as a stockboy, cashier, camp counselor – the list goes on. It’s good to see that the American government believes they have the ability to exchange responsibility for cash, but in no way should they go near that waffle maker.

15 – After doing a little research, I found out that the age of fifteen is the minimum age requirement to get married in 43 of our nation’s 50 states. (The other seven say you can be ready at 14, but I’d like to see them balance a paper route with last-minute vendor meetings and table arrangements.) Marriage is an incredibly serious deal, as you become responsible for the safety, well-being, and love of another human being. Whoa. That’s a lot to handle. But not nearly as daunting as pouring batter into a cast-iron breakfast preparation device.

16 – Waffles! Hooooooray!

17 – I know the privilege is granted at sixteen in VA, but in the great state of New Jersey, seventeen means you are old enough to drive. It’s a good thing that they spaced two titanic machines such as an automobile and a waffle maker one year apart. The logic is simple. Only after you can master preparing your very own waffle without adult supervision will you be able to handle a 1-ton car that can go upwards of 100 miles per hour.